Lukewarm Attraction

Discussion in 'Conversations Between White Women and Black Men' started by LA, May 28, 2015.

  1. RaiderLL

    RaiderLL Well-Known Member

    Let her go. I think it's incredibly selfish to continue a relationship that one isn't fully vested in (especially knowing that she is fully vested). I've spent time trying to make the relationship you described work, it just doesn't end well. You can't change who or what a person is and I think it's horrible to sit around, pretty much wasting her time, just to see if the basic laws of attraction miraculously appear. Dude needs to end it imo.
     
  2. LA

    LA Well-Known Member

    I really like the discussion contributed to this thread. Seems as though the general consensus is to let her go.

    I've searched for a similar scenario that someone posted online and the responses were pretty much the same as what's being said here with the exception of a few individuals saying to give it a try and see where things go.
     
  3. Cherok33

    Cherok33 Well-Known Member

    I generally prefer to be optimistic about relationships, but I do agree with Raider's perspective also.

    I was also in a relationship years ago that I found myself waiting in vain. Totally a waste of time and only ended up frustrating me.

    I tend to give someone the benefit of the doubt and I'm guilty of putting myself in the position of being disappointed.

    Then I tend to believe God works in mysterious ways and things happen for a reason so...

    Here I go being optimistic again lol :)
     
  4. LA

    LA Well-Known Member

    Optimism is a good thing, generally speaking. In this case it may very well be more damaging in the long run which is unfortunate.

    I've developed quite an attachment to this person and really do enjoy spending time with her. It's just my gut instinct that tells me I shouldn't put her in this situation considering my reservations. In the end, losing a friend that I really care for is really what hurts most but she deserves better.
     
  5. RaiderLL

    RaiderLL Well-Known Member

    And that's what you can tell her. It's selfish to keep going just because you don't want to lose the friendship, but I'm sure you already know that. The longer you wait, the more hurtful it'll become. I've had to let go of someone I truly cared about too, because they cared about me in a much different way then I cared about them. It was heartbreaking but like u said, they deserve better
     
  6. Cherok33

    Cherok33 Well-Known Member

    Very mature decision to make. If you truly do consider her a friend, you have to do what is best for both of you. As a woman, I would appreciate your honesty. I don't know if I would be able to remain close friends, especially if I was very much in love with you. Maybe that will come in time...

    Either way, I know it's difficult but do what you think is best for both of you.
     
  7. K

    K Well-Known Member

    You always have the answer.....just need to be honest with yourself about it.

    Be clear that no matter who it is you get with, there will be times when you may not be overly attracted to them. The whole lust thing will come and go. There may be times you don't even like them at all. But everyone deserves to be with someone who really does it for them (and that's much more than just the looks). She deserves to be with someone who really does it for her, and you deserve to be with someone who really does it for you.

    Take it from many of us who have been in long term marriages...it doesn't change, get better, etc. Some things are either there or they are not. No matter how you may even wish they were different you just can't make something be there that's not.

    For all those who push the relationship and want to speed up the commitment....that comes from insecurities that need to be taken a look at. That is the moment you need to take a deep breath and take a look at what's really going on with you rather than to move it forward quicker. If the commitment (marriage) is really right for you then it happens naturally and it certainly is not something that needs to be pushed or rushed. If it is, then you may need to take a hard look at whether or not you should be continuing with that relationship. When someone really wants you, there is no need to try to force anything.

    People who think that marriage will change the relationship or make it better in some way, end up with major problems. Most people lie to themselves about these things. That's why it's important to take a deep breath, a big step back and be very honest with yourself.
     
  8. K

    K Well-Known Member


    Women often have a very romantic notion about marriage. And let's get real - for many it's all about the wedding and all the stuff that goes with it. Men tend to be more practical and look at it as more of a business decision.

    Like it or not....marriage definitely has a business component. I know when I was in my 20s I didn't think about all the "what ifs" and the consequences that marriage can bring. I thought about all the (what I thought to be) great things!

    There's also a thing about how women should pay attention and if it's been around a year...they need to be getting that ring or moving along. That clock thing and all. Typically you will see that their friends are getting married and having kids and the push is on. There are cycles of this that goes on. It makes me wonder how many of them are really in it for the right reasons, my guess is very few based on divorce rates, etc. Then that push/panic thing starts up and it often becomes a power struggle between the couple and a bit mess really.

    Yah that sounds like big fun!

    (And I'm actually one who believes in marriage)
     
  9. The Dark King

    The Dark King Well-Known Member

    It's funny how romance can kill love isn't?
     
  10. K

    K Well-Known Member

    I think true romance is part of love.

    I think all the crazy stuff is what kills it. That's usually all about people doing what they think they should be doing (based on others) rather than staying present with their own partner in their own relationship.

    I think the biggest destruction in relationships comes from other people being in the middle of things they don't belong in. The best thing people can do is to know themselves, be confident in who they are and build something solid with that other person. The minute they are not protecting the union and inviting others into the mix, it's a mess.
     
  11. goodlove

    goodlove New Member

    lol..
    yeah the overemphasis of the "carry me over tge puddles everyday" kills it all.
     
  12. Cherok33

    Cherok33 Well-Known Member

    Hey now!

    Romance and chivalry is NOT DEAD!

    In my relationship I treat him as the King he is and I am in turn taken care of as his queen. Nothing wrong with romance! There is obviously a time and place for the romance, but in general I love the ideals of romance <3
     
  13. Cherok33

    Cherok33 Well-Known Member

    SO SO TRUE

    Nobody else belongs in your relationship. That's where trouble starts. Communication is key.
     
  14. K

    K Well-Known Member

    Romance and chivalry are great things!

    Insecurity and pushing relationships is not, nor is it a part of romance or chivalry :) Once you get all that involved.....it shuts down the romance and chivalry.
     
  15. Gorath

    Gorath Well-Known Member

    This is where I am kicked to the curb. It's that moment where she had already found that sweet distraction and an excuse to get out. I can't stop her.
     
  16. K

    K Well-Known Member

    You don't want to stop them. You want the one who wants to stay and could care less about the distractions and isn't looking for an excuse to get out.
     
  17. LA

    LA Well-Known Member

    So I finally had the talk with her and have officially broken up.

    Although things ended "well", she was pretty devastated with my sentiments and the hopes of remaining in contact with her on a friendship level isn't likely.

    The worst part was that it ended on the exact same day she broke up with her ex last year. I had no idea, she told me afterward.

    Nonetheless, I'm not sure if contacting her at this point is a good idea. I don't want to hurt her more by being around or communicating with her any further.

    She says "guys and girls can't be friends. It just doesn't work that way." Maybe she's right in regards to us.
     
  18. samson1701

    samson1701 Well-Known Member

    I was in this exact same situation in my 20's. And, to be honest, looking back, I fucked up. Of all the women I've ever been with, there has never been a more perfect fit for me than the girl I thought wasn't my physical ideal. Now, that's not to say that my current love isn't right for me. She is. However, our personalities clash sometimes and it's not always easy. But, it is always worth it.

    But, it wasn't like the girl I was seeing back then wasn't good looking. She just wasn't "my kind of good looking." She was very all American, very classy. Where as I liked them more exotic and mysterious looking. I always liked girls with a bit more "spice" to them. However, she had my back in all things and she fit into my life like she was supposed to have been there from day 1. I think my mother, who liked NONE OF MY GIRLFRIENDS EVER, liked her more than she liked me.

    By the time I figured out she had everything I really needed in a woman (and I had all the time in the world to come to that conclusion. She never pushed me), it was too late. She was gone.

    So, yeah, I was able to finally find someone I could really be with again. I was 42 when I met my current GF. Yes, it took me that long to find a woman who was "lifetime" material. Don't get me wrong, I've had a lot of fun dating. But, I could have had something a lot more substantial had I not been so focused on "my physically ideal type" of woman.

    So, to paraphrase that satalite TV commercial; don't be like that Samson.

    KinCA,
    I see someone watches Shahs Of Sunset.
     
  19. K

    K Well-Known Member

    LOL - Yah there's a strange connection there
     
  20. samson1701

    samson1701 Well-Known Member

    Do tell?
     

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