why would a women do this?

Discussion in 'Conversations Between White Women and Black Men' started by goodlove, Feb 23, 2015.

  1. goodlove

    goodlove New Member

    a few weeks ago i drove back to my apt and cops were all over the place. my friend was outside and he told me he called the cops.

    our nieghbor (fine ass hell) took a beat down from her live-in boyfriend.

    he told me she was getting whooped up for a while and he said he got tired of seeing it.

    well guess what? a week later my friend told me that dude is back in with the chick.

    so why would a woman stay in an abusive relationship of any form?

    another question....do guys get abused? why dont they report it?
     
  2. K

    K Well-Known Member

    Go read about the cycle of abuse. It's very common for people to take their abusers back, to take the blame for them, and to defend them. Even if they do report it, they will often bail them out. But often, they won't report. I think most communities don't require the abused to sign the complaint now and police have the ability to take them in without the abused consenting.

    Of course there are women who are abusing men. Men don't report it because it's not taken seriously, they are embarrassed, ridiculed, etc.
     
  3. goodlove

    goodlove New Member

    me and my boy was talking this. i told him that i be damned if my daughter get on like that. i would beat the dudes ass and get him arrested. but if she take him back then im spanking her like a 10 year old stealing cookies.

    i get what u are saying tho.
    i kind of believe l along with what u are saying that they are afraid of being alone

     
  4. FG

    FG Well-Known Member

    Usually, mental and emotional abuse stared before physical abuse and the victim are often worn down that way with feeling it's their fault, are with nothing and often the abuser has isolated their victim from friends and family. Also, the stigma that comes with this makes victims feeling they can't talk about it.

    It's an extremely complicated issue, lots on internet diving into the relationship between abuser and the abused
     
  5. goodlove

    goodlove New Member

    yeah the mental abuse is a serious tool on anyone.

    u really have to be aware of whats going on

     
  6. Ms. J

    Ms. J Well-Known Member

    I had a dear friend who was told repeatedly by her husband that she was worthless & ugly among other hateful things. He restricted her access to friends, their car and money. On the other hand my grandmother, who got married at 16 (in 1949) was told by her deeply religious family that divorce was a sin. She had 8 children from 1950-1962, no education beyond 8th grade, no job skills & no drivers license.

    I say all of this to make the point that everyone else seems to be sharing...when someone is being abused (man, woman or child) they are often brain-washed, in so many ways, to believe that they are helpless & that they can't change their life.

    I feel sad to hear about your neighbor & I hope she's able to get help before it's too late.
     
  7. K

    K Well-Known Member

    It's way beyond being afraid of being alone. As FG said, there is usually mental and emotional abuse that goes on long before the physical. It's a very complicated issue. It's also typical for those being abused to have been abused early on in life or saw their mom being abused. It's familiar, it's what they know. Even if they hate it, they don't know how to do differently. There are usually very big highs and lows in these relationships. Haven't you heard abuse victims say "but I LOVE him"? I think what people don't realize is that there are usually extreme highs in these relationships and I really think there is an addiction/obsession component. The abused feel they can't survive without their abuser, that they can't do anything on their own, no one will want them, and all sorts of other things. They are broken. Here's the other thing.....the biggest risk for the abused occurs at the time of separation.
     
  8. Tamstrong

    Tamstrong Administrator Staff Member

    There are so many complexities involved in an abusive relationship that it is rarely as simple to escape from as a lot of people think it is.

    FG, Ms J, and KinCA make some excellent points. The psychological abuse typically starts long before any physical abuse begins, and the damage from the emotional/mental beatdown is usually severe. Abusive people know how to work on their victims until they feel anxious, afraid, worthless, depressed, etc., and they are also pros at isolating their victims from family, friends, and everyone else, and also at making them feel like everything that's happening is their fault. A lot of the time it's so subtle in the beginning and the increase in the abusive behavior is so gradual that victims aren't even aware it's happening until they're completely messed up and feel powerless to escape.

    Another thing that hasn't been mentioned is that some victims are afraid of what will happen to them if they leave their abusers. Abusers don't let them go easily and tend to retaliate. A lot of abuse victims are killed by their abusers after leaving them. Some also play on the victims' love for them and threaten to kill themselves to guilt trip them into taking them back. There are a ton of those types of tactics used by abusers to control and continue to abuse their victims. It's even worse when children are involved.

    I've known women and men who've been abused, and their staying used to baffle me until I was in an abusive relationship myself. I was able to get out of the situation before he started hitting me, but there's no doubt in my mind it would've gotten to that point. I credit God for giving me the strength to deal with and leave the situation before it got as bad as it could/would have. Something else that worked in my favor is that I've never had a problem ending a relationship when I decided it was time. The relationship definitely took its toll on me, but, even though I knew it would set him off, I didn't hesitate to pack his shit and put him out. I think I confused him, because he didn't have me as figured out as he thought he did and some of his tactics backfired on him.

    My uncle abused my aunt for probably 25 years, and she never attempted to leave him. I remember seeing her with a lot of cuts and bruises when I was a kid. There were also times he'd cheat on her and bring the skanks into their home and out with them in public, and after the beating she got for trying to stand up to him, she never opened her mouth about it again.

    A friend's first husband was a psychotic bastard. Not a day went by that she didn't get a beating or worse. He'd stick her hands on the burners on the stove, he'd shoot her up with drugs to the point she'd have to have her stomach pumped to keep from dying from overdose, and he kept her isolated. Once he went around town inviting people he knew to a big cookout at their house without telling her about it. When everyone started showing up, she knew she'd be in trouble if she didn't feed them so got to cooking. He didn't show up for the get together himself, and beat the shit out of her for having all of those people over while he wasn't home. She was finally able to escape when he went to prison for selling drugs. If that hadn't happened, she would've ended up dead.

    My dad's mother physically abused her second husband, and many of her children (especially those who looked like their fathers). She was a narcissistic evil bitch with no conscience and no love in her heart.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2015
  9. Tamstrong

    Tamstrong Administrator Staff Member

    Signs of Emotional Abuse
    By MARIA BOGDANOS


    Signs of Emotional AbuseEmotional abuse is elusive. Unlike physical abuse, the people doing it and receiving it may not even know it’s happening.

    It can be more harmful than physical abuse because it can undermine what we think about ourselves. It can cripple all we are meant to be as we allow something untrue to define us. Emotional abuse can happen between parent and child, husband and wife, among relatives and between friends.

    The abuser projects their words, attitudes or actions onto an unsuspecting victim usually because they themselves have not dealt with childhood wounds that are now causing them to harm others.


    In the following areas, ask these questions to see if you are abusing or being abused:

    Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:

    Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?

    Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?

    When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?

    Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”

    Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?


    Domination, control, and shame:

    Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?

    Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”

    Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?

    Do they control your spending?

    Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?

    Do they make you feel as though they are always right?

    Do they remind you of your shortcomings?

    Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?

    Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?


    Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:

    Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?

    Are they unable to laugh at themselves?

    Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?

    Do they have trouble apologizing?

    Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?

    Do they call you names or label you?

    Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?

    Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?


    Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:

    Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?

    Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?

    Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?

    Do they not notice or care how you feel?

    Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?


    Codependence and enmeshment:

    Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?

    Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?

    Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?

    Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2015
  10. RRoyce55

    RRoyce55 Active Member

    I can expand on this a lot, but I currently lack the time. Just want to throw in that a lot of these situations arise because abusers know the particular types that they can consistently abuse and seek those individuals out. It's very systematic. Abusers have their issues and abuse victims have theirs that keep them in the relationship. It's a dark twisted cycle.
     
  11. Cherok33

    Cherok33 Well-Known Member

    this is a great thread.

    Honestly, abusive relationships are so many shades of grey and it's definitely hard to acknowledge the different levels of abuse from the inside of an unhealthy relationship. When you are on the outside looking in, you can label all of the things you see that don't seem quite right.

    If you know of someone and are friends with someone in an unhealthy relationship, you can try to intervene to help but most of the time, it takes that person time to get sick of being sick and tired. Sometimes professional help can save a person, and even sometimes a relationship...but nobody can help anyone that doesn't want help.

    Unfortunately, all relationships aren't destined to be healthy. It takes a strong person to see things for what they are and they have to love themselves enough to help themselves.
     
  12. goodlove

    goodlove New Member

    let me ask u ladies this.....i have a little girl. she us 12. how would u raise to not to take abuse. bow so far she is very confident of herself.....believe that omg.
    sometimes i believe women feel alienated and no where to turn. should i constantly tell her if u ever her to call ur daddy if anything goes down ?

    im not gonna get into relationships now cause shes too young for that.


     
  13. K

    K Well-Known Member

    People usually do what they have learned in life. The best way to prevent your children from growing up to be abused (or to abuse) is to make sure they are growing up in a non-abusive/healthy environment. Most who abuse or are abused, grew up with it. It's "normal" and basically expected. But remember, there are many types of abuse and it almost always starts with verbal, mental, emotional and those types are often really hidden and are pretty rampant. Someone else posted a really good list of things to watch for.

    I also think one of the biggest things that prevent abuse is a strong sense of self and a strong support system. Remember, abusers will typically isolate victims and do whatever they can to make them feel insecure and dependent on them.

    You want to strongly reinforce your children's ability to trust themselves, to honor their feelings. I think this is a HUGE part of it all. Think about how often children are told to go hug this or that person when they don't want to. Or when they say they don't like someone or such it's dismissed. That teaches them that how they feel doesn't matter and they stop trusting their own feelings and instincts. They start to 2nd guess how they feel and tell themselves they are wrong, because that's what they have learned from their parents and other authority figures. Later that becomes them talking themselves into that they are crazy, that the things they find to be hurtful really aren't, or they make excuses for the abusers.

    And it's not just girls. I have 2 girls and 2 boys. I was raised in a very abusive environment and vowed to never repeat it (as most do) I had to do a lot of work to learn to think differently. I was committed to breaking the cycle and I did. My children were not raised with abuse. One of my adult children was dating a girl who's family was rather dysfunctional....in a more hidden/subtle way. He ended up breaking up with her because she wasn't going to do what it took and he wasn't willing to put up with the crazy behaviors.
     
  14. goodlove

    goodlove New Member

    if see crazy coming...cross the street.

    its surely important to have good adults around a child so they know ehats acceptable.

    i went to pick up my daughter and i was opening the car door for her and she looked at me side eye and said i got it dad.

    her mom yelled "get in. your daddy is holding the door for u. thats what a man suppose to do. lol"



     
  15. FG

    FG Well-Known Member

    Good point, I was also raised in an extremely violent home where my step dad physically, mentally and emotionally abused both my mother and me so I know that type of relationship very well. My mother never left him, not because she was weak, but because of shame and pride. No one outside the family knew and she didn't want anyone to find out, which they would have if she left, so she rather stay than face the humiliation etc. My mother is a very strong woman, and always have been, she just thought she could handle it. To her defense, she didn't know how badly I was abused because that often happened she as not at home, and I never told her until much later.

    Abuse at home becomes this huge secret and abused spouses and kids often learn to lie through their teeth to avoid the humiliation of letting out the secret.
    The abuse itself is actually less traumatic than the waiting in between, just knowing it will happen any minute and the abused often suffer from PTSD which often alter your reasoning.

    If you are brought up in a violent home, you may not have a real good idea of what love should look like and may repeat the cycle. I sought out men like my stepdad initially but got over it at about 18 when I had an epiphany of sorts, I simply didn't have any tools initially to handle non abusive men, its hard to explain and I suffered from commitment phobia for most of my life because of my upbringing. I got over that a long time ago, but it took a lot of soulsearching and self awareness work.

    You can never discuss enough with your children what love is and what it isn't and give your kids a strong sense of self and confidence.







     
  16. goodlove

    goodlove New Member

    im glad u were able to see things differently. its hard to see a woman or man to be abused , when in my mind i know they could do better.


     
  17. K

    K Well-Known Member

    But that's blaming the victim and shows a major lack of understanding. This is exactly why people end up stuck in their situations. They need help to do better. You'd be surprised at how many people (women and men) you may see and think are very strong, have it together, successful, etc and are in abusive relationships. Most of them out there are not like the situation you initially described. Most are very well hidden and no one ever knows.
     
  18. K

    K Well-Known Member

    So sorry you had to go through that! PTSD - yep I had it pretty bad at one point.

    There are all sorts of reasons why people stay. Some simply because they feel they made a commitment for better or worse and you stay no matter what.

    I'll tell you FG - I really understand what you are saying about when you were younger and the guys you would pick etc. I did the same and then did a LOT of work to do differently. I was then married to someone for many many years and when I became single again I realized that I sortof had to remind myself of many things because I hadn't had the abuse around me in so long. I didn't expect predators and all the stuff that was around when I was younger. I basically had to relearn how to spot it and keep it away from me. It's like I had my guard down and had to put it back up ....if that makes sense.
     
  19. FG

    FG Well-Known Member

    I had it too, but honestly, it's so long ago that it almost feels like it happened to someone else.
    Besides, in a way, it has shaped me to whom I am, and I am extremely strong, nothing brakes me and it is for those experience so the passed has to be embraced, no matter how bad it was.
     
  20. goodlove

    goodlove New Member

    how am i blaming the victim? i missed something.

     

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