back handed compliments to black fathers

[YOUTUBE]ew5-xGDYyKs[/YOUTUBE]

I saw this video and I think about all the convos I have had with people in regards to my child.

they would say "the baby's mother.."
I responded "my exwife and my daughter are ....."

I do that intentionally to say in a slick manner that I had a baby while married.

then they ask how often I see my daughter.

I respond "often and if I dont we are on the fone."

then they go into "oh thats good cause...."

in my mind im like "yo, im suppose to do that. I dont need a pat on the back"

I was wondering was I being super sensitive until I saw this video.

well my question is "am I being super sensitive"

Has this been your experience?

 

I love that

fatherhood has surely been minimized

 

I remember working with a supervisor from Minnesota. He told us of the times in his youth when he, at 8, would be changing a tire or repairing the lawnmower. His dad would inspect the work. If he wasn't happy about the work, the father would beat him and have them do it over. This happened to him and his brothers as they grew up. His father told them, " I had you so I could work less."

It made him into a disciplined and organized man. I had once met the father. Yep. He was very much his father's son.

 

No. It basically made him a dehumanized automaton. Did/does he treat his kids (if he has/had any) the same way as his father did himself & his brothers?

 

exactly

having them start over then yeah but beat them

 

He had said that he would have his own kids learn what he had if he had them(he was divorced and he was in the Army). He had remarried and had a daughter. I don't know if he has had his daughter learn about the things he had learned.

 

*shrugs*

It's just your ego.

 

"having them start over then yeah but beat them"

Exactly. Doesn't sound like good parenting to me. Sounds like Japanese POW camp discipline. I can understand making them repeat the task but the beatings for failure to comply to his prescribed standards is too much for me. And trust me, I'm not part of this "PC-candy ass-weak-no discipline-wanna be your kids best friend" generation....TRUST ME! But I think what this guy described is a tad too much for my acceptance....

 

I'm not going to sit and watch the 16 min video.

I think it's been discussed on here (several times) that Black men get a really bad rap when it comes to stereotypes of fatherhood. I realize that there must be some out there who are deserving of the stereotypes. However, the majority of men I have known have been amazing fathers. I happen to have really high standards when it comes to parenting. My expectations are rather high. In saying "amazing", I mean well above and beyond. I'm not talking about the things that GL was talking about. I agree those are normal things that any dad needs to be doing.

 

its possible but thise compliments are just the same as telling a japanese american his english is very good

 

well stated. getting a pat on the back for taking your kid to the movies is bs. the only pat on the back should come from the kid.

 

What a terrible analogy....

 

why

 

I could see if you said a immigrant Japanese turned American citizen.


I feel like I commented on this already years ago... I used to relish in compliments back in the day with my sons when they were babies but as I grew older, the compliments made me think how much of a sad state the black community is in when it comes to father hood...


At the same time, people are just genuinely overcome with joy t o see daddies with they little ones.


You replying ex wife and all that other jazz is just a personal problem. Don't nobody really care if you was married or think it makes you more special.

 

Why does it matter if random people know you had her while married? A good father is a good father, whether he knew his child's mother for one night or they were married 100 years. I don't understand why you'd need to make that clarification? You're a good father, your previous relationship with her mother is irrelevant imo. I actually agree with north on this one shock. You making that clarification, I think, speaks to some insecurities you may have.

 

stereotypes. people like to assume a bm will have a baby with a woman who is not his wife. I make it clear thats it my exwife and not an ex-gf.

 

how would you know if he/she is an immigrant unless they tell you?

the problem is assuming. thats the problem eith back handed compliments on this case. let's be honest it prejudice (for the lack of a better word) to do so

 

I hear you but if they're of that mindset, you clarifying that y'all were married isn't going to change anything. I think it makes you come off as insecure, not wanting whomever you're speaking to, to lump you with the stereotype of black male fathers when in reality their opinion should mean nothing to you. Be confident in who you are and what other people think truly becomes irrelevant. Break stereotypes with actions, words mean nothing.

 

oh I feel you and north in every kind of way on what you are saying. trust me when I say that.

believe me when I say all that. I think ,sometimes, people dont realize they are insulting at times.

like I said they would say some slick shit like

--"how often you see your baby since you are an hour away" now thats a valid question due to the distance. but it could be viewed as
insulting ,cause to me they maybe assuming that I wouldnt cultivate a relationship with my daughter.

----- one that gets me though (off the top of my head) is "your baby momma.....". when it comes to wm its the mother or the father and not baby momma and or baby daddy.