UCLA Study: Women want bad boys to knock them up, nice guys to raise the babies

But why does divorce (or cheating) have to be the first option (in many cases)? Shouldn't it be the last resort? Presumably, most couples take vows for better for worse...until death do us part. Unless someone takes a radical departure from the person you fell in love with, why is it so difficult to try to mend what's broken?

I see this idea resonate through posts in a marriage group I'm in. Recently, a husband posted that his wife left the room to take a phone call from an old (male) friend. He felt uncomfortable about that. Some of the responses were ridiculous and they all boiled down to "Trust is gone, relationship's over." Really?! That's one example but there are others. For many, communication and counseling will solve the issue and build a better marriage. People don't want to repair, they'd rather replace.

Also, to your first sentence, yes, no one else can make you truly happy. However, when two people marry they become one flesh. So your partner's happiness and well-being should be as important as your own. That's what love is. If both partners would live out that love, marriage would be way more successful.

 

Do you genuinely know that many people who had divorce as their first option when dissatisfied in their marriage? Not just fb groups or fb acquaintances, but honestly KNOWING people who did that? I think most people marry with the intent to be together forever. Human beings naturally grow and evolve and I think many divorced people married before they had a true understanding of themselves and what they needed from a partner/marriage. Out of every single divorced person I know, not one used it as a first option. Perception isn't always reality either. My ex husband would most likely say that I used divorce as a "first option" (he absolutely eluded to that during counseling), but in reality he just never listened (or took seriously) the hundred times I talked about how unhappy I was and what I needed from him as my partner. Because I didn't scream or yell or "argue" about it, he didn't think it was that big of a deal or that serious. I tried talking to him for a few years before I ever even got the courage to think divorce. Perception vs reality.

I agree that cheating seems like a first resort nowadays but I think most couples make many attempts to salvage their marriage before resorting to divorce.

 

I disagree. I think many individuals try to salvage their marriages before resorting to divorce. If most couples tried, there would be fewer divorces. Just like in your situation. By the time it sunk in for your husband that there was a real problem, it was too late for you. Had he paid attention on the beginning (making your happiness a priority), maybe things would've turned out differently.

 

I hear you but I think ultimately when we marry young, many times we simply grow up and grow apart. My ex husband is a wonderful man and an incredible father but our personalities are so different that I can see now we would've ended in divorce regardless. Even if he had made changes earlier on, we'd still be different at our core. Even when both parties are putting in effort, sometimes it's simply not a relationship that should be salvaged because ultimately you're just different people. It becomes more of a fight to save something just because you made a promise to do so, not because it's something that really should be saved.

 

People who get married quickly often do so because they are “so much in love”—which means they are basing the decision mostly on feelings. Feelings change. If you passively “fall in love,” you can also fall back out. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have strong feelings for the person you marry, but a marriage needs to be based on more than that. In most cases neither person get to know what's called “the real you.” Anyone can put on a good show for a while, and in dating you’re probably trying to paint yourself in the best light possible. So you don’t get to know what they are really like until some time has passed, and in this case you’re already married by that point. Now the marriage is full of BS and you want out.

 

I thought it was interesting to see in one of the articles that was posted that the thought is that part of the decline of divorce in recent years is the love factor and reasons for marrying. I really don't think there is one formula that works for marriage, if there was there wouldn't be the issue of divorce. But I do think that things have greatly changed over the years and more people marry or are together out of choice rather than need. They are also aren't as likely to stay together out of need. There's probably positives and negatives to that.

Even though I'm divorced, I fall into the success category that was in the article. I was married in the 90s and the marriage lasted past 15 years. I know an awful lot of people who ended up getting divorced after many many years of marriage, I'm still seeing it happening. I also know many people who have stayed together who may still be married but are very disconnected. Maybe they didn't end it because they didn't want to give up the image, status, assets, etc.

It just seems to me that many out there are approaching marriage in a much different way now. There are also a lot of people who just don't hold marriage as being different than not and maybe they can feel as close and bonded to the person. I remember back in the 80s when we knew a LOT of people who had been living together and really speaking up about how much they didn't need the paper and how it wasn't any different as to their level of commitment. Then there was a wave of many of them getting married and they did say it was different.

I definitely think divorce is an easier option than it once was. There isn't the same family/societal shame and pressure to get married and stay married.

For me personally, I have no idea where I'm at as to whether or not I would marry again. At times I felt I would and at others I've felt I wouldn't. I would definitely like to be at a point where I was with someone I really felt that I would want to, even if we choose not to.

Unfortunately, or fortunately.....there still are many reasons as to why it does make a difference to be married.

 

This is why I think living together is huge before marriage. No one can truly KNOW someone if they haven't lived with that person. Seeing someone only at their best is a sure fire way to get duped lol.

I wasn't single for very long after my divorce but coming out of my marriage I really didn't think I'd ever remarry. I figured I'd date but never allow myself to commit like that again. Often times its just a matter of time though until we meet that one who makes us question all the things we thought we'd never do again!

 

Good points.

 

Yeah you can't hide crazy for long....you just have to recognize it

 

I have always felt that losing your identitiy in another person was one of the biggest issues...for that reason I find that "becoming one flesh" is losing it's appeal...love means different things to different people...marriage is also all over the map with meaning...i see alot of married couples just going through the motions...feelings change...needs are not met...

 

Dear Abby letter that backs study
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DEAR ABBY: I'm in love with two men. My husband, "Victor," and I have been together for nine years and were married last year. The other man in my life, "Wade," was my boss, and we've been seeing each other for two years.
They are polar opposites and make me happy in different ways. I was engaged and planning my wedding when Wade and I started our relationship. I chose to marry Victor for emotional stability and because we had built a life together. I can't imagine a life without him. At the same time, I can't imagine not being with Wade.

If I stop seeing Wade, I know I won't be happy and he'll always be on my mind. I will always wonder about what could have been. If I divorce my husband, I'll break his heart, and it won't be easy.

Last week Wade demanded that I decide between him and my husband. He wants an exclusive relationship with me. I'm in a panic because I can't decide, but I know I will lose Wade if I don't do it soon. I need advice because I don't know which way to go. -- STUCK AT A CROSSROADS IN FLORIDA

DEAR STUCK: You chose to marry Victor because you wanted emotional stability, and you had built a life together. Obviously, that isn't enough for you, or you wouldn't be cheating with Wade. If what you really want is a marriage filled with passion, tumult and the possibility of infidelity, by all means choose your former boss. That way, you won't be bored, and Victor will then be free to find a loving, faithful wife who appreciates what he has to offer.

 

This Dear Abby letter is proof positive that there is no such thing as a "last hurrah" when something like this happens. It's also one of the reasons for my @50 promise.