Last Names and Marriage

Tarshi said:
Lol...karmsy. You're such a tease.

It's crazy though when I think of how little the numbers are of women who work outside of the home. I will mention though that they all have children, but honestly once those kids go to school they seriously need to get out in the workforce. You can see the disconnect between their reality and mine
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I do think children benefit from a parent who's able to stay at home, but I wouldn't want to stay home after the kids have started school. I'd be bored to death if I didn't work.
 
Tamstrong said:
I know quite a few women who don't work & stay home with their children. One couple has 10 children, & I don't know how they do it on just one income.

Although many of these women don't have an actual "jobs", they still work. Not only is running & maintaining a home & children a ton of work, they do other things to bring in extra money. I know women who cook (baking birthday cakes for example), sewing/tailoring/mending, selling Avon or Mary Kay, babysitting in their homes, pet & house sitting, running errands for others while running their own, making crafts, etc. Very few that I know sit on their asses like Peggy Bundy watching soap operas & eating bonbons...except for my lazy sister-in-law that is.
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Of course running a home and raising kids is work, that's one of the things I've noted in discussions here on divorce. Taking care of 10 children is about 10 full time jobs! And if you're sewing/baking/etc for money, you *are* working for money.

Exactly, women who stay home with kids *are* working. I have a good friend who works from home for money because it lets her be home with the kids and bring in an income. She also grows her own vegetables and keeps chickens. I consider the fact that she works for pay makes her a working mom, regardless of the geographical location of the job.
 
Tamstrong said:
I do think children benefit from a parent who's able to stay at home, but I wouldn't want to stay home after the kids have started school. I'd be bored to death if I didn't work.
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Exactly. These women I'm talking about spend their time at the gym, take tennis lessons and always look amazing in their designer threads at school pick up (drop off is a uniform of lycra and tennis skirts). Then I turn up in my jeans, tshirt, hair in a pony tail, no make up
 
I don't think taking a husbands name is bad. After all, we are no longer forced to do so - so if you choose to, whats the harm.

If I got married I would hyphenate my last name w my husbands, because I actually want to take his name. The reason I want to keep my last name is that it is extremely unusual and there are very few of us, that and somehow, as my dad is dead - its my daily reminder of a person who I still love to bits.

One the working part:
I only know one woman who stays at home - but she has a Pharm D degree.
Lost her husband in a car crash 10 years ago (left w 6 mo old twins and a 10 year old daughter at the time). She after that, choose to stay at home, she was left substantial amt of money and is herself from a wealthy family. She since then has remarried but they live in her huge condo in down town Honolulu and is running a little bakery catering business from home to have something to do. So even though she stays at home, she is certainly bringing her own.

I also know one stay at home dad, he is an engineer but his wife makes more money so she works, he stays at home.

Ha, never thought about that I only know one of each gender that stays at home...

I could never, ever stay at home, I would go insane.
 
I have read everyones responses and respect them all, I have been married and did take his last name, I liked the idea of having the same last name, as one poster said, the "unity" it seemed to give me. I did convert back to my maiden name after the divorce though.

My older sister recently married and she was torn about what she should do about her surname, (I think his side of the family were pushing for his name) but in the end she kept both her maiden and took on his as well.

When I marry again I will absolutely take his surname, I am old fashioned like that, the thought of it, for me, is tradition and the sense of unity it gives me and both of those make me happy.
 
Nerdy Girl said:
Maintaining a connection to her professional reputation, etc., is one reason why a woman might choose not to change her name upon marriage. But for those of you who think that having the same surname is important for forging a sense of unity or some such thing, why should it be the woman alone who changes her name? Have any of the guys committed to a common last name considered changing theirs or hyphenating it in some way?
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Because that's the way it's done. And the kids should have the man's name too, if the couple is married. If I go through the trouble of getting married, the woman will take my last name as will my children. PERIOD. No feminist revisionism on my watch.

It's funny how the question is about the woman somehow keeping her last name, not about not getting married at all. It seems ya'll want the old-fashioned ring and commitment, but want to squirm out of doing your part in the name of "modernism."

If you want to keep your name, just remain single. Problem solved.
 
Nerdy Girl said:
It's not at all a false equivalency... tradition is the enemy of progress, my dear.
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Funny how you seized on that one line but glossed over this:

karmacoma. said:
It's funny how the question is about the woman somehow keeping her last name, not about not getting married at all. It seems ya'll want the old-fashioned ring and commitment, but want to squirm out of doing your part in the name of "modernism."

If you want to keep your name, just remain single. Problem solved.
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I'd say the "progress" you want is SELECTIVE.
 
FG said:
I don't think taking a husbands name is bad. After all, we are no longer forced to do so - so if you choose to, whats the harm.

If I got married I would hyphenate my last name w my husbands, because I actually want to take his name. The reason I want to keep my last name is that it is extremely unusual and there are very few of us, that and somehow, as my dad is dead - its my daily reminder of a person who I still love to bits.

One the working part:
I only know one woman who stays at home - but she has a Pharm D degree.
Lost her husband in a car crash 10 years ago (left w 6 mo old twins and a 10 year old daughter at the time). She after that, choose to stay at home, she was left substantial amt of money and is herself from a wealthy family. She since then has remarried but they live in her huge condo in down town Honolulu and is running a little bakery catering business from home to have something to do. So even though she stays at home, she is certainly bringing her own.

I also know one stay at home dad, he is an engineer but his wife makes more money so she works, he stays at home.

Ha, never thought about that I only know one of each gender that stays at home...

I could never, ever stay at home, I would go insane.
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My mother was a stay at home wifey. She took up quite a few hobbies, tennis, art, porcelain doll making, sculpture, and of course her four children. I know i was blessed having a mother available for every thing I needed, we also had a nanny at one point.

The stay at home mums that I know get a little bored at times and look for part time work just to keep busy and social..... I think I would atleast choose to work part time for the same reason if money was not an issue, but I also think I would love to be a stay at home mother too....
 
karmacoma. said:
Because that's the way it's done. And the kids should have the man's name too, if the couple is married. If I go through the trouble of getting married, the woman will take my last name as will my children. PERIOD. No feminist revisionism on my watch.

It's funny how the question is about the woman somehow keeping her last name, not about not getting married at all. It seems ya'll want the old-fashioned ring and commitment, but want to squirm out of doing your part in the name of "modernism."

If you want to keep your name, just remain single. Problem solved.
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No, it's just the way it *was* done. Doesnt mean it has to be that way.

My part in a marriage is to be a partner, a friend, a lover...not to take a name. That isn't part and parcel of the deal for everyone. If you want a woman to take your name, that's between the two of you. Personal choice.
 
karmacoma. said:
I'd say the "progress" you want is SELECTIVE.
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I'd say that you don't know me very well.

I think that the bond between two people is more about affection and commitment than it is about language. If it were a common last name that accomplishes that, then shouldn't I feel some affinity to strangers who happen to share my last name? Really, there is a lot more to marriage than one's name....
 
Nerdy Girl said:
I'd say that you don't know me very well.

I think that the bond between two people is more about affection and commitment than it is about language. If it were a common last name that accomplishes that, then shouldn't I feel some affinity to strangers who happen to share my last name? Really, there is a lot more to marriage than one's name....
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I also have friends who chose an entirely different last name than either of them had had before, and both changed their names to that.
 
TreePixie said:
I also have friends who chose an entirely different last name than either of them had had before, and both changed their names to that.
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In my opinion, that would do more to create a sense of unity and/or a break with the past than either spouse taking the other's current surname.
 
TreePixie said:
No, it's just the way it *was* done. Doesnt mean it has to be that way.

My part in a marriage is to be a partner, a friend, a lover...not to take a name. That isn't part and parcel of the deal for everyone. If you want a woman to take your name, that's between the two of you. Personal choice.
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Wow. Are you married right now? LOL
 
TreePixie said:
And Tam, I agree, different choices for different people. For me, changing my name just was not something I felt comfortable doing. I have a dear friend who, when I asked her why she had changed her name said "I like my husband a hell of a lot more than I liked my father." That made a lot of sense. People make different choices based on all kinds of different factors.
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Exactly.

Nerdy Girl said:
Maintaining a connection to her professional reputation, etc., is one reason why a woman might choose not to change her name upon marriage. But for those of you who think that having the same surname is important for forging a sense of unity or some such thing, why should it be the woman alone who changes her name? Have any of the guys committed to a common last name considered changing theirs or hyphenating it in some way?
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That could work too if that's what the couple wanted.

I know two couples who went with the wife's name. One couple decided to hyphenate her name to his because his African name was difficult to pronounce & they found it easier when they came back to the US....his first name is James so he jokes around & tells people his name is James Bond, lol. The other couple went with hers because he hated his last name...can't say I blame him because his name was Stank.

TreePixie said:
Of course running a home and raising kids is work, that's one of the things I've noted in discussions here on divorce. Taking care of 10 children is about 10 full time jobs! And if you're sewing/baking/etc for money, you *are* working for money.

Exactly, women who stay home with kids *are* working. I have a good friend who works from home for money because it lets her be home with the kids and bring in an income. She also grows her own vegetables and keeps chickens. I consider the fact that she works for pay makes her a working mom, regardless of the geographical location of the job.
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I think some folks have a misconception about stay at home wives & assume most of them do nothing while the husband takes care of them when that isn't the case most of the time. I know a few stay at home dads as well & most of them don't have Peggy Bundy Syndrome either.

Gardens & chickens/eggs are pretty common around here for some of the women, too. I buy most of my eggs from a woman who raises chickens.
 
curleyblonde said:
Oh wow, I have never heard of that, very interesting actually. :D
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They felt taking a new name was showing that they were beginning a new life together, not one of them being folded into the life of another, that it showed a unified perspective on what marriage was, and they chose a name which had meaning for them as a couple
 
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