Last Names and Marriage

swirlman07 said:
The change of a woman's last name in the case of marriage is a non-issue for me. I'd be more focused on trying to create the most loving and secure relationship with my partner. If she insisted on taking my last name, I wouldn't object, but I would never ask any woman to take my name as a condition of a marriage. I've just never found that ultimatums lead to the best result, in any kind of relationship in society, let alone one you want to share with someone throughout your lifetime.

Btw. I'm speaking from experience in marriage and not some imagined position...
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THANK YOU! I was really surprised at the vitriol that position met here from some corners. People need to do what works best for them, and there's nothing about not taking a man's name which means that the marriage is useless, or pointless or that the man isn't worth his salt.

Yeah, ultimatums tend to suck on all sides. A woman isn't smart to set one out there, and neither is a man. Focus on the relationship and learn to let the minor things go. It's just like you'd treat a friend you respected. You ought to have that kind of respect for someone you'd marry, IMHO
 
Tamstrong said:
Like I said before, I want my husband's last name (if marriage ever happens for me) because for me that's the way it should be. My maiden name will become my middle name & I will still write under it too.

I wonder sometimes what my son thinks about not getting his "dad's" last name. I still think I did the right thing since he's never had him in his life. I suppose at this point if he decides he wants to change it, it's up to him.
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My son has his dad's last name. At the time, I didnt care, though these days if i was starting over, I might want to hyphenate a child's name, or alternate the last name used for children if there were multiple kids - I don't know, and don't much think about it since i'm not planning more kids.

My son isn't very happy with his dad, and he's talked about changing his name, but it flows rather well. So I think he'll end up keeping it. It's entirely up to him - after all it is *his* name, not mine.
 
TreePixie said:
I didnt have family help, which made it tough, but I had a wonderful babysitter/fill in child care woman who became another grandmother to my son. I'd known her since I was a teen, her daughter was a good friend, and I'd dated one of her sons for awhile. She was a lifesaver, literally on more days than I could count. Since I was in New England, we had "snow days" where school and day care were cancelled, but not work.
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It's great that we both had somebody. There are so many single moms that don't have that blessing; some of the childcare options out there are scary IMO.
 
Tamstrong said:
It's great that we both had somebody. There are so many single moms that don't have that blessing; some of the childcare options out there are scary IMO.
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I was doubly lucky when he was small - the same woman had recently retired from 20 years working at a day care center, so I knew exactly how the place was run, and felt pretty comfortable with him being there. And if there was a problem and I was still at work, she'd go over and pick him up until I could get home.
 
TreePixie said:
My son has his dad's last name. At the time, I didnt care, though these days if i was starting over, I might want to hyphenate a child's name, or alternate the last name used for children if there were multiple kids - I don't know, and don't much think about it since i'm not planning more kids.

My son isn't very happy with his dad, and he's talked about changing his name, but it flows rather well. So I think he'll end up keeping it. It's entirely up to him - after all it is *his* name, not mine.
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I think I did the right thing since he doesn't even know him. If I'd had more kids, it wouldn't have been outside of marriage, so I'd have given them their dad's name. There won't be more kids for me either.

My son only brought it up once when he was 10 or so. He asked why a friend of his in a similar situation had his dad's name & he didn't. He also said his friend told him he could change it if he wanted to. I just explained that since I was his family, I thought it best that we had the same name, & that if he decided he wanted to change it, he'd be able to do it when he was grown. He said, "Okay." & went outside to ride his bike. His "dad" has a goofy last name, so I doubt he'll change his either.
 
TreePixie said:
I was doubly lucky when he was small - the same woman had recently retired from 20 years working at a day care center, so I knew exactly how the place was run, and felt pretty comfortable with him being there. And if there was a problem and I was still at work, she'd go over and pick him up until I could get home.
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I'm sure that did a lot for your peace of mind. There are too many horror stories out there about nightmare childcare.
 
The studies I've looked at tonight indicate anywhere from 20% to over a third of women today keep their own names. It seems the higher the level of formal education and achievement the more likely a woman is to keep her own name

Harvard Gazette Name Change


It also appears that women in the 80s and 90s were more likely to retain their own names, and the explanation the "experts" offer is that we were more likely to have grown up experiencing our parent's marriages in the 60s and 70s where the woman was much more subsumed by the marriage in general.
 
I use my husband name.. i will like to change back before i got married but after so many years will confuse a lot ..

If i was in Greece i will had keept mine ... the law in Greece change a lot from the time i left the women now keep they surnames they dont change when they do get married
you can still use your husband's surname socially but maybe you need to go to court to change to your husband surname i think lol
 
Tamstrong said:
Like I said before, I want my husband's last name (if marriage ever happens for me) because for me that's the way it should be. My maiden name will become my middle name & I will still write under it too.

I wonder sometimes what my son thinks about not getting his "dad's" last name. I still think I did the right thing since he's never had him in his life. I suppose at this point if he decides he wants to change it, it's up to him.
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Nerdy Girl said:
Says you... and karma. What happened to people doing what is right for them? :smt101
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Evidently you didn't notice that I said that it's what "I want" & that "for me" it's what is right for me personally. I made no mention whatsoever of it applying to anyone else, so there's no contradiction in what I said.

I don't see any need for the drama in this thread, so leave me out of it.
 
Tamstrong said:
Evidently you didn't notice that I said that it's what "I want" & that "for me" it's what is right for me personally. I made no mention whatsoever of it applying to anyone else, so there's no contradiction in what I said.

I don't see any need for the drama in this thread, so leave me out of it.
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Making a claim about how things "should be" suggests a broader agenda.
 
Once again there is more to life than whether a woman carries my name or not. Times have changed, women now wear pants and have grown balls and are breadwinners in some cases so it really shouldn't be an issue.:cool:
 
I'm pretty adamant about keeping my maiden name. I now have two degrees with my maiden name on them and intend on a third. People know me by my name, first and last, and I would be devastated if I was told I had to give it up.

Actually, if someone is that against it, then I wouldn't marry them. Kids could have a hyphenated name, so it's not a huge deal.....and I don't think I really want kids...not the way some people do, anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.

However, if someone wants to change their name, by all means!
 
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