A little embarassed but facing reality

Nikko, you and I are twins. I thought I was the only person that had this issue. I am going through the same exact thing, and I think mines is even worse. I have this hunger for white women. It drive me nut to see them do little things, like pull their hair behind their ear, or be carefree the way they are. Hell I watch (UGHHHH) Private Practice just because I love seeing Kate Walsh with Tae Diggs. I think white women are like an exotic dish. At times I feel very ashamed for feeling like this. :smt021

 

everyone can tell you what they think but at the end it is your decision what you will do .. hope you find the right one for you.

 

When it boils right down to it, you are simply lusting after something that is "forbidden" to you. I don't say that harshly or judgementally. We always want what we can't have. But the grass isn't always greener on the other side. WW can be sloppy, bitchy, uncommunicative, shallow, needy, etc. too. Playing with temptation is fun - for awhile. But the more you feed that hunger, the bigger the beast becomes.

 

I know that, I have dealt with white women before. Women are women no matter what. I just find myself extremely more attracted to white women than anything. Its not just a lusting

 

How can you say it's not lusting when your whole post above it screamed I'm thirsty?

 

Just have an affair and get it over with?

I can't say the thought hadn't crossed my mind, but just having an orgasm isn't what i want or need.

I had a long conversation with my wife...I laid it all out there, telling her everything I was feeling. I was nervous but felt that was the right thing to do BEFORE acting on any of those feelings. She was obviously hurt but told me she truly loved me and didn't think she'd be ok without me. However, if I felt like I needed to go then I should move on.

That was a sobering statement and for the last day or so I've been really pondering what I want. Basically, I've been asking myself if I'm not just putting the blame on 'white women' when in reality I just dislike my current relationship.
I hope that makes sense.

I'm starting to think that my miserable attitude in my relationship just causes me to fall back on instinct...and instinct/comfortability are white women. Still haven't found a good therapist but your comments are helping, so I appreciate them a lot.

Also, good to know someone out there has felt like I have. Tommy, not sure if I'm just lusting after them just because but I lust after them because i feel I can make them happy/vice-versa. One of the key needs i have in a relationship is making my woman feel like a queen. Cheesy yes, but my wife has had some issues - not related to me - that makes her think all men are dawgs. i don't consider myself a dawg, never sexually cheated on a partner, and always try to spice things up with romance. I'm not perfect, but I'm not a blob....in my relationships with white women, I never felt I had to prove that I was a good man, it was believed.

So, I'm still on my journey...not sure what will happen but feeling better today than a few days ago.

 

I was on my way to bed and this message popped up on my phone, so I logged back on to encourage you. Nikko, I'm impressed that you are TRULY thinking this through. As I read through your post, everything in me was screaming "Don't give up!" It's obvious that there is still love and feeling between you and your wife. If both of you have even the smallest desire to make your marriage work, I believe it can work out, BUT, I think you need professional help to navigate your way through the valley. The bolded statement tells me you know the answer to this inside and walking away is likely not it.

Please, please, please, ask your wife to seek professional counseling with you and encourage her to be honest and ask her if you may be honest as well. (If I sound a little neurotic here, it's because I'm passionate about marriage and I believe in doing everything you can to make it work.) You fell in love with your wife for a reason. Go back and find that reason. Treat her like a queen, whether she responds to that treatment or not.

I'm praying for you and your wife. I truly hope to hear a good report. I believe you know what the right thing is in your heart. Have the courage and faith to act on it.

 

Nikko, I really don't think you have a problem that you need to see a therapist about. You are simply like most of the brothas who come to this site, we are very attracted to white ladies and we just love everything about them in general. At the end of the day it is what it is. Stop fighting what you love(attracted to), it is going to eat you alive. Give in and you will win in the end.

 

Very interesting week.

My wife and I had the good chat I talked about.

Things went very down hill and found myself hardcore crushing on the girl at work. Thank God she's in another office. She's not even that cute, but emotionally it's soo easy....so easy.

From there things got worse, I told my wife I wanted a divorce. I then cried for about a half hour. She accepted it but said she didn't want me to leave. She then told me how much she loved me and would miss me. This is something I've always wanted her to say but she rarely does. I feel in my relationships with white women they've been a lot more open emotionally. I'm a pretty direct dude, good or bad, I don't like guessing in relationships.

Well, we went to be that night, I slept on the couch. She followed me down the stairs and I could tell she wasn't so ready to give up. But, I was there at the give up stage. She went upstairs and I fell asleep. I woke up in the morning and she was back downstairs. I thought it was cute, but I was still out.

Later in the morning she sent me a mean message because she thought I took off married from my FB status, I hadn't. Probably another FB glitch unless FB knew what was going on...lol.

Anyhow, I couldn't work too much in the morning...just really felt bad...part of me felt the weight lifted but the other part thought about how much I loved my wife and if I really wanted to start over. I thought about telling the girl from work about my problems and I told my wife I might do just that. But instead, I texted my wife...trying to beat back the temptation. It helped...a lot.

My wife continued to be more open to me, probably desperate to hold on. That seemed to work too. Our conversation got better as the week progressed and for the first time in a long time I was looking forward to going home friday. As I said, sex hasn't ever been an issue for us and last couple days have been like honeymoon renaissance...hehehe.

I definitely think the attraction to white women was a red herring and moreso I hated my relationship. Not to say white women aren't extremely attractive, I find that they are, but my problems are with me and my wife.

I'm not sure what will happen...but my wife and I are going to try and I have more hope today than I did this time a week ago.

The roller coaster continues.

 

COUNSELING!!! GET IT!

You and your wife obviously stiill love each other. Get help navigating the troubled waters. If you are like many people, you likely took a vow "for better or for worse." This is "worse." But if you get help, you can get back to the "better." And you never know, it might be better than ever!

PS Stay away from the chick at work. That rarely helps.

 

Aww, I'm glad things are picking up a bit! It sounds like you've got a good start on the communication at least. I do think some kind of couples' counselling might still be helpful if your wife is willing to try it.

Thank you for the update

 

Definitely still looking for therapy.

my feelings are too much up and down. Definitely think we still need it.

 

Glad to hear that. You didn't ask for it, but I'm praying for you both. Please keep us updated.

 

Thanks, we need it.

 

Having an affair isn't just about just busting a nut and getting the hell out of dodge. To sum up the post, you feel like your this super awesome spouse that your Wife takes for granted so you are seeking specifically white women to fill that emotional void that you long for. Your the powerless one of the relationship but since telling your Wife about divorce she's throwing herself at you in turn making you guys exchange powers for the time being which is why you looked forward to coming home because I'm now in control, but this is temporary... She'll fall back to her old routine and you'll still seek the emotional comforts of white women.

Your living a lie.

 

No, North, you are if you think having an affair will solve anything.

 

North,

interesting take. But, I definitely don't think I'm a super awesome spouse. I think I have some good, some bad, and in between like everybody. But, I feel like in a marriage you want your partner to believe the best and see the best. i haven't felt that in my relationship and that's been draining.

I think an affair wouldn't solve much though but make things more confusing. Like I said, very tempting but I don't think it would help. I'm hoping to have a counseling session lined up by the end of the week.

I'm not sure I'm living a lie, I hope not, but I'm no longer willing to discount any possibility...just taking it one day at a time.

 

Agreed! An affair will end your marriage and destroy your wife, is getting some tail worth crushing someone you once (maybe still do) love tremendously?? Trust me, it is EXTREMELY difficult to recover from an affair, even if the relationship ends - she'll be hurt for many years at some level and it would be all your fault.

Counseling is a great option right now. Give it your best, be honest with yourself, your wife and your counsellor.

I did counseling for 2 years with my husband before I finally realized that I couldn't be in the relationship anymore. One key question you might ask yourself is: imagine all the qualities that you want in a woman, now if your wife had those qualities, would you still want to be with her? When I considered that question, my answer was no, I didn't still want to be with my husband. So now I am divorced but I can tell myself that I did work very hard to save the marriage before I ended it.

Please stay away from an affair. It would be so nice to know there's at least a couple honourable men left in this world....

 

i'm sorry, but as a star wars fan, and as a mother of 2 star wars fans, you sound like yoda