A little embarassed but facing reality

Ok first disclaimer - I'm married. I'm a black man who has been married to beautiful woman for over 10 years and we have beautiful kids.

But I have a problem - i'm unable to shake my attraction to white women. I've never been the type to cheat and have not had any sexual relations outside of my wife. I'm a pretty good looking guy and after marriage was surprised by the number of women that hit on you with a ring. What's strange is that the sex between my and I - when we have it is pretty good. That's never been a problem.

In any event, I'm not desperate and not coming here looking for a hook-up on the side. i'm hoping that by coming here I can work through some of this and maybe find a guy who's gone through this before. I feel like a creep and a jerk but if i keep trying to run from this it's going to destroy me and really hurt all of those around me.

Unrelatedly, my wife and I have discussed divorce simply because our communication is horrible. We just can't talk to each other without fighting & we both have a lot of communication needs that are not being met. I'm close to calling it quits but my children, my faith, and my desire not to hurt my wife are holding me back. But man, when i think of the prospect of finding a white woman to spend the rest of my life with I get very excited.

It doesn't help that in college I fell in love with a white woman who hurt me bad. I gave her my heart and she toyed with it. I dated other women before of different races but I literally gave her my heart and it wasn't easy to take it back. With my wife I've never felt able to give her what I gave before. But, in other situations with white women I feel free to be me and to meet a lot of their desires. It's like I feel like I know them, understand what they need, and want to give it. Not too a lot of them, but to one...and you shouldn't be having these thoughts married to a perfectly good woman who loves you.

Arghhh

I don't know what to do. I work at a great job, own a house, am Ivy League educated, and by all accounts am successful. But, every night I come home (well almost) I'm longing for something else.

And I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening and hi, I'm Nikko.

 

Let me see a picture of your wife and I should be able to tell you what the problem is.

 

hehehe....love to but I can't out her like that.

She's very cute & like most good looking women gets hit on. Looks aren't the issue...wish it was...

 

Wow, Nikko - I can feel your heart through your story...

Sometimes those first experiences are the ones that affect us the most profoundly. I understand what you mean when you say that you felt the most "yourself" with someone... that is a very strong feeling that is difficult to get rid of... But I would ask you - was it just with that one white woman or do you feel that way about white women in general?

Also, do you feel that your first experiences (with that white woman) have perhaps tainted you towards your wife and that might be impacting your love towards her? As in, that is why you have trouble communicating? Because part of you always wanted to explore that side of you, and you jumped into this marriage too soon, so you perhaps are shutting down on purpose as a passive -aggressive way to end it? Or is it a two way street?

I don't want to assume too much, but it seems like you had some issues before the two of you said "I do"... and they are now coming to a head.

 

I'm sorry to hear your pain. You must stay true to yourself. If you are not happy with you, then your children won't be happy. You know that saying "You have to love yourself to love others" or "If you are not happy with yourself, no one is"? It's true! When you put god first, everything falls into place - so they say. Often we don't think with our heart and with our mind. You have to follow your heart for happiness. Communication is a BIG deal and if your are struggling now it will get worse. Seek professional help - this takes months/years at times. However, it can save a marriage and ease the pain.

The desire for a white woman could be many things. Could be you always thinking back to the past - which you must forget and move on. Could be that you know your soul mate is of a white woman. Could be the devil at it's finest with temptation. Could be you already know you are not happy and in denial. What ever the reason take time for yourself to think about it every day - for a few weeks - write down your thoughts each day and review them at the end of the week. You will see the pattern and the answer.

Good luck and keep the faith.

 

It's definitely 'in general'. I grew up in the suburbs where it was about 80% white so the girls I grew up liking/dating were mostly white. I wasn't trying to date outside my race, per se, but my frame of reference were white women. It felt normal and natural. Still does.

I've asked myself this same question. I don't know if I can be honest enough with myself to answer it...but what I can say is that it tainted me. I think for a couple of years I went anti-white. I made a friend about a year after we broke up who was a blonde blue eyed girl from Texas. Three times in three months she asked me if I liked her - I didn't - but it annoyed me. My thought was "Just because I'm a black man and you're a white woman doesn't mean I'm going to automatically like you."

But I think I was being overly critical because of what happened to me in the recent past. Afterwards I think I deliberately tried not to date white women...but I think I was letting one person spoil the bunch really. I think back now and wonder if I have regrets.

The other girls' parents weren't too keen on me for my skin and I felt like she gave in to that. I had dated other white girls from where I'm from and they loved me, I took it as a challenge to win them over...but response to them bugged me. I understand if you don't want to go against your parents but I felt we could still be friends. The break was too abrupt and painful. And after all these years I feel like the ultimate cheesball to not be completely over this crap. I don't pine away for her, no, but I feel like I may have cheated myself by casting all white women in her light and ended up with something I didn't really want b/c one girl broke my heart.

My friends/family were all surprised I married someone who wasn't white. They knew how much I liked dating white women before all this happened. With my wife, I'm not sure if I know how to open up to her all the way or be totally comfortable with her. We've tried, just hasn't worked. But sexually it does work which boggles my mind. But for me, I'm much more than a sex person...I want a friend, someone to laugh with, someone to encourage, have fun with. All of those things are missing.

So do I live the next few decades like this or do I hurt the people closest to me only to potentially end up with something worse?

 

Good advice all around. But I'm scared to write this stuff down, afraid of what I'll find. I recently suffered anxiety attacks and thought it was something else. I've always been a mellow dude but when looking at things realized that my marriage was stressing me out b/c I wasn't dealing with things. I realize that I do need help but as the topic title suggests I'm very embarrassed and ashamed of my feelings.

 

I think you get some help to assist you in working through these issues. A good counselor will give you the tools to figure out the answers.

Many years ago, I had a 4 year relationship with a man I loved very much, who broke my heart. My next relationship was with his total opposite in many ways - in my pain and desire to run from what hurt, I forgot how much I liked the first guy as a person. I married guy number two, and it was a disaster which took many years to be completely free of, since we had a child together.

You're in a lot of pain, and it seems like you could use some professional assistance in determining your next step. Something is apparently missing in your marriage, and I don't think it's skin color. A man who has devoted this much time and energy to trying to figure out what's going on is unlikely to be as shallow as to let melanin determine his course. Find out what's really happening inside you, and what's not working in your marriage. If you decide to end the marriage I'd suggest you spend some time ALONE before you get entangled in another relationship with anyone, so you can make sure you're moving towards something, rather than away from something else.

 

Trust me, you aren't going to tell a psychologist anything they havent heard before.

 

Thanks. I think I do need to seek help, need to be in a safe place to say dumb things without fearing I'll hurt my wife/kids. At worst, I figure things out and move on from my wife. However, it may also help me open up to her and to realize as you said it's not about melanin content.

Ok gotta run, wife about to come back and i wouldn't want her to see this...hope to be back later. Thanks for the responses thus far and glad I took the step to post here.

 

Here is what I see...

*Your past haunts you and you need to close it! Move on and over it. The lessons have been learned - you can't blame it. You are only in control of yourself - no one else.

*You seem afraid of the road ahead if you leave - "face reality." You've worked hard for what you have - will I lose it? How will I mange? Do I want that stress? It's easier if I just stay for now, but the temptations still lingers!

You've answered a lot of your own questions here, now. You know the answer and seem afraid to admit it.

Go to your doctor to get help with the anxiety and let the meds settle, then make the change you know that needs to be done - at least the meds can keep you sane through it.

I'm not saying leave - I'm not saying stay - I am saying you already know the answer, just in denial.

 

Question would be... does he go to a WW psychologist, a BW psychologist, a BM psychologist, or a WM psychologist????

That is actually a very important question. I went to a BW psychologist (by complete chance, and she was a very valuable person to discuss issues that were bothering me about racism/ IR dating. But this issue (possibly divoricing a BW) is seriously loaded, and he could get highly personally biased advice if he is not careful.

 

It depends on the psychologist. Considering the issues at work here, I think he's probably better off with a male psychologist. I don't know where in the country he is (or the world for that matter) but I've never run into racism in a psychologist's office. The last one I saw was a little nebbishy guy who reminded me of Mr. Rogers and he was wonderful - probably the only one who ever actually helped me.

 

I agree - a male psychologist would probably be best... but do you think a BM or a WM?? A lot of WM have harbored hostilities for BM wanting to date WM - not saying that an educated WM would necessarily be that way. Just wanting the best for our friend here...It seems like a BM psychologist might be able to have more insight/understanding into his situation without any judgments.

 

Glad you're here, Nikko - if only to get some advice and thoughts. We get alot of insubstantial/trollish greetings around here but this one from you seemed really genuine. There are a lot of smart people here who give good advice.

- we'll be here when you come back.

 

Maybe, but I wouldnt worry about taking this to a trained psychologist of any color. I don't know that an educated BM would be any less likely than an educated WM to be prejudiced in the situation - or any less likely to have a personal axe to grind. I think I'd have a go see with a good recommended therapist and see if you "click." If you don't you try another until you find one you think you can work with. It's a very personal decision, and I think the connection between patient and therapist is key, not the gender or race of either.

 

Good point, Tree.

 

I have no advice to you, because I've never experienced what you explain. But the way, how you write and the empathy between the lines..is pretty attractive. I wish you a wise decision

 

You never said...do you love her?

I don't think you being attracted to white women is the problem with your marriage and I think you're overthinking it. You're always going to be attracted to other women, regardless of who you're married to, if they were black women you wouldn't be putting so much emphasis on it. Your marriage has problems, so you're more aware of other women than you might be if you were happy at home. Your marriage isn't working atm, of course the prospect of being with someone else is exciting, no-one fantasizes about having screaming rows with a sexy stranger, you just fantasize the good bits.

I agree that you should seek counselling and talk through what you're struggling with, but you're going to have to find your own answers at the end of the day. Imho, what you need to consider is; do you love your wife? Do you want to work things out with her? If so, then you want to consider couples counselling for your communication problems. I'm thinking partly you've just closed down because you've been fighting a lot and you're worried you're in trouble, so you're looking elsewhere and the fantasy life looks good right now.

If you can't/don't want to resolve your problems with your wife, then yes, divorce may be the right thing for you, but you're not going to be ready to leap into something with someone new anyway.

I don't mean to be harsh, but I think you're unhappy with the way your current relationship is going and living in a fantasy world which is only making your problems worse. The reality won't be like that and you know it deep down. Go watch some IR porn to take the edge off, then take a look at your wife as a the woman you married, not just the ball of stress the fighting has made her seem to be and decide how you really feel about HER. You married her for a reason and it must have been a good one. If you love her, don't let a ww fantasy make you throw it all away. Marriage is hard and you've stuck at it a long time, it's so easy to stop looking at each other in the same way over time, esp. if you're fighting. If you really want out, then ok, but I'm not sure you do, I think you just want to stop fighting and get the girl you married back.

I hope you can resolve your issues and those with your wife and wish you luck however things turn out. :heart:

 

Can you spend the rest of your life living a lie and being unhappy? There will be your answer. I wish you courage to follow your heart. :smt056