Can I Please get some ideas

This might be a little long and a lot tangenty...my apologies upfront and stuff.

I have a friend..who is female and also black (if you are rolling your eyes yet, hang-on please? I mean this in all seriousness and I'm more confused than ever before). We had a discussion last week, very short and not sweet at all, about me having a thing for black guys. Like, in general. I don't go ga-ga over all of you, but there is very much some kind of attraction there. My friend says it's racist that I have a thing for black guys. I asked ANOTHER friend if this could be true and he said probably not, as I don't tend to think I'm better than any black person based on the color of my skin.

I was so astounded by all of this. She said it was..disrespectful and not in the spirit of MLK day and all of that. And I've read here and there about how black women hate white women because some of us have preference for black men. Ok, sorry, but that's almost the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I don't even want to think about whether that could be true or not.

I guess maybe it seems obvious. But i think racism can come in all ALL colors and all forms and maybe it can be so suble that you don't know it's there?

This made me think back to the one interracial relationship I had with a black male and he used to tell me I was racist too. That I hated him because he was black. Wouldn't it stand to reason that if I really hated him because of the color of his skin I wouldn't be in a relationship with him? And that I also probably would not go on and on about how I love the contrast of his skin on my skin and it gave me shivers and stuff? Is that like some kind of backwards racism where you actually love the very thing people say you hate?

oy vey. I don't think I hate anyone because of the color of their skin. I might not like them very much because of how they act or the things that come out of their mouths...

I don't know.

Maybe these two have a point i'm missing. Is there another way of looking at this? Or maybe some way to approach this situation when it comes up where I don't have to second guess my every attraction and therefore feel guilty for it?

 

My opinion...

No one is racist because of a sexual preference.
Preferences are personal and don't mean you hate anyone else or, necessarily, disregard people based on the fact their colour doesn't match your preference. (did that make sense? LOL)

Anyone who has a problem with your preference has something personal going on with them, it's nothing to do with you...nothing at all.

Not all black women hate white women. Not all black women actually give a flying fuck that white women date black men. LOL

I can see how someone might have a problem with a partner that tends to "go on and on" about the colour difference. Although we all love that difference, it shouldn't be something you focus on.

If you're dating someone and they start saying you hate them because of a racial issue...and you don't....it's a problem they have, not you. It's probably a big red flag telling you to get the fuck out of that relationship too.

Just date who ever the hell you want to and ignore the hates. It's your life, not theirs. Live it how you please.

 

Thanks Sin Mari.

I realize that it's these peoples opinions..but I don't see the point of having to try and justify my choice. I don't 'chase' black men. Not at all. Some times men will have a thing for japanese women..or latina women. I would never assume that they are racist against my european heritage because of that.

I also tend to be attracted to filipino men. Not all filipino men, but some catch my eye. I don't just blindly run after them because they do.

It seems to me that in both of these cases it's motivated from a sense of insecurity. With my female friend...she's dead convinced everyone hates her because she's black. With my ex..well...only he knows why. I carry my own (fair) share of issues so I don't judge either for carrying theirs. It just seems sad that it comes to that just because they are a different color than me. That shouldn't be what matters. IMO.
But I guess thats just me. I'm trying to find a diplomatic way of handling it because the female friend can get really defensive and I'm trying to not push those buttons. She has had a hard life SOME of that because of her skin color. I try to be aware of that without making it a defining point between her and I.

*this is completely off topic. What does smh mean? I think it's that. I didn't want to start a new thread to address my rtard status*

 

I have a black female friend who was VERY against my liking for black men. She never said anything until after I broke up with my X. After seeing how I reacted to that, she one day said stunned "you really loved him, didn't you". I never thought that was up for debate, she seen me with him on many occasions.

She then confessed she didn't believe my intent was honest and she thought things in the same way your friend did (she for the most part distrusts and dislikes most white people so she said it was her natural assumption).
She told me that she realized she was wrong when she saw how truly hurt I was and she became the most supportive friend I had during that time and somehow, it made our friendship closer.

She came around and is not questioning it any longer. Your friend, may, just may come around - if not, she is not your friend.

 

You know how I know you hang out with black folk? lol

I I can't wait for this race bs to be a thing of the past. It's seriously slowing up human progress.

 

Ooops, LOL. Didn't even see that.

I cant wait either, it really is fucked up.

 

smh = shaking my head

Don't make an issue of it and stop thinking about it. It's not your problem. In all honesty, if I had a friend who thought like your friend does, I'd tell her to get the fuck over it or leave me out of her life. Life is too short to deal with shit like that. I know people have problems and issues from their background that effect them in different ways, but there's a point where you just have to say...suck it up, or fuck off. IMO of course.

Yes, I can be a bitch.

 

The sooner the better. I remember when I was in high school I had my first interracial experience with a white girl a year my junior. Once it became noticable to people, they began to ask questions. Surprisingly, one of my most respected teachers addressed the issue first. She pulled me to the side one day and said, "So, your dating little white girls now? She then looked at me with a bold stare of disapproval. I knew from that point on that adversity would be a major issue in my life. It was bullshit to me because I had better conversations with the white girl I was dating than I ever had with the black girls who didn't pay attention to me until they saw me with the white girl. I'm not saying I prefer one over the other. I'm just saying that I'm a human being that has psychological and physical needs. If a white woman is a better fit for me then so be it. If God is a respector of skin color I will be the first to say that I'm hell bound, but I know he isn't. Vanilla milkshake, chocolate milkshake, caramel milkshake, etc. I could give a damn because it's all a milkshake.

 

I, too, wish racism would quit being the issue it is; but sadly I don't think it is going anywhere anytime soon. I think your friend will either realize she is the one who has the issue or maybe she won't; but I wouldn't let it ruin your day by dwelling on it. There are way too many people out there with problems over every-little-thing and if you took time to worry about them all you would never have time for yourself.

My fathers reason for me not dating black men (at first) was because "he didn't want me to have to face the insults and issues an interracial relationship would cause." (It was total BS because he was a racist jerk, but that's another story.)

I didn't experience anything negative during any of my relationships until after I moved to Houston and married my ex-husband. We had been married about 3 years at that time and were at his recruiters office in a local mall. When we left we decided to get the kids lunch at the food court. While looking for a table, three black "women" gave me dirty looks (if looks could kill...) then proceeded to loudly and annoyingly shout things at my back like, "What the fuck ... can't get a man from her own race, gotta take one of ours." ... "Bitch needs to get the fuck outta here before I decide not to care about parole and beat her ass." and other lovely things. Luckily I had my 3 kids or I wouldn't have been able to hold my tongue. As we were getting up to leave with out food half eaten his recruiter walked by and heard the remarks. He marched over to their table proceeded to rip them a new hole by telling them things like, "Luckily that 'sell-out' over there cares enough for his country and your freedom to make remarks about his wife and kids; unlike any of you. He just signed his life away for the next 6 years so people like you can sit on their asses spouting off at the mouth about things that don't even pertain to them. Now I think you should cork it before I call security and have you removed."

(Sorry for the novel but I kinda thought it could apply ... you never know when or where you may have issues and you never can tell what they will be about. Stressing out over other peoples issues is just too time consuming for me.)

 

Definitely not a novel but interesting. I can relate to parents not wanting the whole interracial thing out of fear of safety(my mom definitely, my dad is a bit racist) but I'm getting to a point or more accurately gotten to a point of just not caring. Life is fucking hard, most days I feel like I'm drowning and the last thing I have time to worry about is other people's insecurities. Which is why I'm working on getting a work visa so I can live somewhere else.

 

You want to leave the country?

 

Both of my parents are no longer alive and that was one of my points to my father when we were going back and forth ... one day they won't be alive anymore but if I spend the rest of the time they are alive trying to please them, I won't have much of a life once their both gone. He of course called that BS and the drama continued.

I commend you for getting to the point you are at. :smt038 It is a hard point to reach and it hurts at times, but once you decide to live for yourself and not for your parents/aunts/grandparents/etc you find that life is a lot better. Good luck on the Visa. If I were done with school I would be moving to a different country myself.

 

Yeah bro it looks like Canada right now but I really want to check Australia too. The women on this forum are great fricking sales people on the country lol. Canada might win out since my brother is having a baby and I missed out on the other kids growing for the most part and I'm big on family but we'll see.

I just want the opportunity to live in a place where the people aren't entirely hung up on race and where my stock is higher.
Not to sound conceited but for my education personality and the way I look I feel like I should have far better relationship choices and for a black man who adores and exclusively dates white women the US isn't the best choice.

 

What are you studying?

 

I totally respect that. I wouldn't mind a visit to Canada myself. I think the nature scenery would be great to see.

 

Computer security (forensics)

 

Very nice. At one point I wanted to do forensic accounting, the idea always seemed fun to me until I heard a lot of organized crime families kill those dudes after they testify lol. That and not enough pay for me.

 

Yeah, having a job you're killed over doesn't sound like fun. I worked in accounting for 5 years and had to do minor "forensics/auditing." I so did not enjoy that part of my job because part of it was finding out when the sales guys cheated on their expense reports. I was the one who found all the lies & cheats so I was the one they all hated (or butt kissed dependent upon their status in the company).

 

Does anyone ever get away with it? It seems like they all get caught at some point

 

It's a defense mechanism that women use to explain away what they cannot accept.

She's doesn't love him, she just wants ____________.

Women are generally more attuned to emotional connectivity than casual sex, so they rationalize longterm unions they don't like by questioning the motivations of the players and are usually flat out wrong.