Conditioned to be a looser?

Hello All,
I haven't posted here in a very long time but I hope I am welcome back. I have a question that has been on my mind for a few days and I know (hope) this is the right site to discuss it. I read an article about Bill Cosby speaking at a graduation, he of course talked about black men and their situation, the statistics about incarceration, kids out of wedlock etc. etc. The same day I read an article about pretty much the same topic and they interviewed some people for their opinion.
One comment struck me, one young blaack man in his early twenties said "I was always told by my parents that whatever I did wasn't good enough, that because I am black I have to try harder" he eventually gave up thinking that no matter what it would never be good enough. The sad thing about that is I am sure his parents only said those things to him to prepare him for the realities of life but it caused the exact opposite of what they wanted for him. Instead of getting tough he had no confidence in his abilities.
I don't have kids but watching parents around me I can definitely tell a difference. A lot of white parents encourage their kids no matter what, empowering them almost to a redicolous level (creating over confident air- heads) while a lot of black parents are tough to a level I feel is almost putting their kids down.

Do you think this "tough love" concept is partially to blame for the failure of a lot of black men?

 

thats not a positive phrase to say to anyone, esp a black male. try positive tones, like "believe in yourself, you are good just for who you are, but with hardwork, good strong character, and faith, you can be anything you desire to be.

tough love doesnt work because its not really being truthful. there are many many examples of black people who came from poverty to become so body. From Dr. Ben Carson, to Frederick Douglas, to TD Jakes, to Oprah Winfrey.

saying he will never be good enough because he is black is dooming him to failure.

 

I can't imagine anything more damaging than telling a child (whose world knows no limit, whose imagination has no bounds) that he/she will never be good enough. This is particularly damaging because the child begins to make an unconscious list of things they can/can't do. The mind is the key motivator of our actions. Once you become unmotivated, it becomes virtually impossible to accomplish anything.

Telling children that nothing is impossible is a better alternative (though not perfect) because they eventually learn the realities of life without having to limit their minds. I was thought that nothing is impossible, but I of course learned that I couldn't walk on water (though it still isn't impossible, just very unlikely). After all, the majority of things we consider possible today were at some point considered impossible..... maybe it is a good thing to believe that nothing is impossible!

 

The conditioning as such with black parents is to let their kids know the harshness of the world that they are living in.

I too was told that i had to be better than my none black counter parts in order to make in this world and as i have grown older i have found that to be very true. Not will not be paid as much as my counter parts but i am limited to where i can go as far as job situations.

Will this stop me?

NO!

Because my parents also instilled in my the need, want and desire to do better.
So you recognize and move.

 

amen infiniti you are right on there buddy

 

Thanks all for your replies, it was interesting to read.
I agree, one should not tell anyone they will never be good enough but again the motivation of those parents I described were exactly what Ball Onin mentioned, the intent was certainly good. I personally think it would make more sense to tell kids they can go to the moon if they wish but also tell them that they screwed up or did not do good when the situation calls for it.

 

Blacks do not routinely groom their children for failure any more than whites groom theirs to be masters in defrauding the public, embezzlement and stealing like there's no tomorrow.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13212319/from/ET/

 

And even when you do all that they still try to diminish black accomplishments. That show "The Apprentice" highlighted this point when they tried to get Randal, the black contestant to accept the lesser competitor as a co-winner. They completely overlooked his brilliance and went ballistic because he didn't want to share his win. The whole thing tained his victory.

 

I'd prefer children to have a dose of reality than a sense of entitlement. I would argue that most white middle to upper-middle class parents set their children up for failure by feeding them with unrealistic expectations for their future.

There is a difference between emotional abuse and encouraging your child to go beyond what society expects of you. As someone who has observed hundreds of interactions between a parent and child (of many ethnicities), I would disagree that Black parents are too harsh. If a parent is not "tough" on their child, who is going to be?

 

it seems most people, irrespective of race or ethnic background, are more interested in seeing their children satisfy their own egos and self-esteems instead of allowing their children to grow and explore and create their own visions and goals...

 

Lainarain, I see your point. But there is difference between encouraging your children to have a self of positive self esteem and giving them false hope/ unwarranted sense of entitlement.

I really wasn't responding based on race (black or white) but just based on general observation. Looking at my life, I would say I have done relatively well because I have always had the believe that I can accomplish anything/can hang with the best (so to speak). People usually treat you based on how you treat yourself. If people notice that you are hardowrking, and truly believe that you can achieve your gaols, they suddenly start believing in you. This is huge!

A lot of people don't work hard/try to accomplish anything meaningful because they believe people like them can't do it. This is bullshit. As a black male in the academic world, I can tell you that there are challenges you face just based on your race. In my experience, this challenges often get overridden by your attitude and determination. Believing that anything is possible gives you the extra boost you need to succeed. Sometimes you get to the point where those that were originally against you start rooting/investing in you because they are impressed by your determination.

It is one thing to tell your kids that look, life will be tough but you can do whatever you send your mind to. It is another to tell them that you won't be good enough or people will never respect you (this is stupid and does no good to anyone). The latter tells them not to even bother because the outcome will always be unsatisfactory.

White kids may be thought that the world is theirs for the taking. Well, if you believe the world is your for the taking, it usually turns out to be. perhaps more people of color should start thinking along those lines. The ones that do reap the bounties of success (though it isn't easy, but this people are aware that the road to success is filled with obstacles).

 

Most of the posters in here already said things that I agree with wholeheartedly, but THIS POST in where it's at: