Fear, Jealousy and Attraction!

Moskvichka,

Ummm.....I am not surprised by your actions one bit; I am not criticizing YOU for YOUR 'feelings.' That was never my intent when I responded to INJERA70. In fact, I do not care for YOUR situation. If talking about YOUR situation helps you sort out YOUR 'feelings' be cautious, for there are MEN who will NEVER understand YOUR situation. Also, beware of amateur female psychologist, for they can sway YOUR 'feelings' in a directionality that is incumbent with stupidity. Only YOU can sort out YOUR feelings!

 

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yeah, you do. I know it helps sometimes to talk and sometimes you even regret that. It is a tough spot to be in.

 

I just admire your nearsight and how you are giving "him another chance", when you are BOTH equally at fault. The illusion is gone, now he must start from scratch. :roll: And every person 'thinks' they are George Herbert Mead and Sigmund Freud with the ultimate power to accurately acute human behaviour. Listening to the advice of anyone whose not a trained professional in the department, is a recipe for disastrous results.

 

The most helpful advice I got was this below, from a marriage counselor:

""Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it. I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t “find� LASTING love. You have to “make� it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love.� Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM"

 

I like the second part of this.
But I also believe that there is nothing wrong with getting some form of extramarital fulfillment... as long as it is not infidelity. I think that it is normal and healthy to have fulfillment that comes from outside a marriage - as long as it does not become obsessive. I also think that many marriages fail for that specific reason - because ppl expect their spouse to be everything to them and to provide for every single one of their needs. In my opinion, one person is simple not capable of doing all of that!

 

So are you saying it is good to have sex outside of your marriage as long as it does not become habit,I was not downing you mosk but just asking you a question.

 

I absolutely agree that everyone should have some form of fulfillment outside of their marriage. To think that a marriage will be THE ultimate fulfillment in one's life is naive, and downright boring.

However, if the fault is within one's marriage, as I believe you may be saying, the answer is not to go outside of your marriage to mend what is broken. Either the marriage needs to be repaired or one's expectations of what one's marriage can be must be rethought. The fault could be within one's unrealistic expectation of marriage.

 

What???? :roll:
You must be kidding!
Tell me you are kidding!!

 

So what did you husband say when you two talked about your problem? And what was his reaction when you told him how this other man makes you feel? What kind of possible solutions you and your husband came up with when you two sat down and talked about the current state of your marriage, your relationship in general and about possible ways to indulge eachothers desires?

:?:

 

I believe women have an ingrained tendency to seek out a man, who presumably meets the higher status quo, at least at the time, so to speak...

could THIS be a part of the whole 'alpha male' thing?

 

Dead on.

 

Even though a "marriage counselor" objective to keep a marriage together, it plays on the ambiguity of sustaining an illusion like love, which is impossible. The concept of "love" is overused, it essentially means nothing because it is a concept that lives in relative terms and gives a marriage/long term relationships false hope. The problem with marriage goes a lot deeper than loosing this illusion.

 

There is a verse in Pushkin's Eugene Onegin:

And he was loved... at least he never
doubted of it, so lived in bliss.
Happy a hundredfold, whoever
can lean on faith, who can dismiss
cold reason, sleep in sensual welter
like a drunk traveller in a shelter,
or, sweeter, like a butterfly
in flowers of spring it's drinking dry;
but piteous he, the all-foreseeing,
the sober head, detesting each
human reaction, every speech
in the expression of its being,
whose heart experience has cooled
and saved from being charmed or fooled!

 

:lol: Does that remind of me, when you read my post? Or are you trying to psycho-analyze me!? :-D

 

Oh by no means, I'll leave analysis to more advanced minds! It did remind me of you but hopefully you're not really like that.

 

"......piteous he, the all-foreseeing,
the sober head, detesting each
human reaction, every speech
in the expression of its being,
whose heart experience has cooled
and saved from being charmed or fooled!.......

A man should not strive to eliminate his complexes, but to get into accord with them; they are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world. -- Sigmund Freud

The poetic phrase is mostly true; but it's more of despising human behaviour and wanting to free oneself from the calamities which imprisons us. In Buddhist philosophy/reality they call this Nirvana: Freedom for Desire, freedom of the self, understanding reality, understanding consciousness, separating Truth from fiction, etc. But there is nothing inherently bad about it, Moskvichka, and you may be hard pressed to believe MANY men do not believe in the concepts of love, romance, and passion. Most men just have an arduous time believing in it and really never come to grips with it. Perhaps relationships as a lot, would be better if women stop trying to force these concepts into them.