Friends with ex'es, how would you feel?

Ok, me and my boyfriend have had our first serious discussion.

The problem is that my best friend (besides my BF of course) is also my ex. BF didn't know until yesterday, cause I kind of kept it a secret. He was already a bit weired about me having a male best friend., so I didn't have the guts to tell him sooner. Yesterday I just jumped in it and told him. I figured that some day someone would slip it out anyway, it'd better come from me.

He was very upset. Both because he felt I've lied to him (wich is kind of true), and because to him it's totally strange to be friends with your ex. To him, it seems like that can only mean that I'm not over my ex. (Wich, for the record, I really am. I feel nothing but friendship for my ex.)

Now I'm devastated. BF told me that he have to do some thinking, and I'm afraid he'll brake up with me or something. I'm 100% willing to cut down on the contact with my ex, but I wouldn't like it very much. After all, he's my best friend.

Another thing that really bugs me, is that my boyfriend also said that he worries a lot about what his friends will think, if they learn that his girlfriend is best friends with her ex.

*sigh*
This post probably doesn't make much sense. My English gets even worse when I'm upset. But it's sort of comforting to "confess to" someone.

But, to the question. Wht are your feelings about being friends with ex'es? Could you have a girlfriend/boyfriend who was friends with her/his ex?
(I apreciate the opinions from eveyone, but I'm especially interested to know what the Africans here have to say about it.)

I feel like shit by the way. We've aplied for permission to get married and everything. But yesterday, his voice just got so cold!!! I hope it was just the chock. He's got every right to feel angry and hurt for me keeping it a secret. :smt022

 

Personally, I'd probably not be that comfortable about my man being 'best friends' with his ex. Friends, yes, because that's nice and mature. You have to wonder about a man who is bitchy and slags off every woman he's dated - the only thing they have in common is him, so maybe he's the problem?! If you can be friends with an ex, or at least civil and friendly, that's a great sign of someone who doesn't bear grudges.

BUT if they're your 'best friend'? My best friend is like my family, she's the person I go to if I'm having problems in my relationship...she's my sounding board to help me through those issues. I'd be seriously worried if it was the same with my man, and they were discussing those things with someone who they actually used to be in a relationship with...maybe it's crazy and jealous, but I'd start to worry that eventually they'd think, hey, maybe I should just go to this woman instead, she's less problematic than my girlfriend! It probably is illogical, but it IS what I'd be feeling all the time, and that seems to be more useful to you than me writing 'hey, no, it would be a great thing!' when in fact it would absolutely do my head in. Perhaps your guy has the same worry.

 

Interesting question, I understand how easy it is to be friends with an ex but I don't think I would like it if my man was best friends with an ex.
BF to me is like Mistress described, you talk about lots of personal stuff and sometimes seek advice and I just don't know if I as the "new girl" would be comfortable with that.
I think what would bug me the most is this: I know that my BF and I share honest thoughts, criticize people and are just bloody honest with each other, knowing this I now assume that his ex knows things about me that I don't want her to know because I still feel we are in some sort of competition. Not direct competition but I assume that people always compare the "new one" to the "old one". While I don't perceive the ex as a threat to my relationship I just don't want her to have any part of it especially not knowledge about any issues my man and I may have.

I think you should talk about it with your man and maybe you need to make a decision between your best friend and him. The other alternative may be to have the 2 meet... but then the scene from "sex and the city" comes to mind where Mr. Big and Aiden have an all out mud fight.... so maybe not a good idea after all.
Either way I hope you guys can talk about it and work it out.

 

That's tough. You made it even more strained b/c you didn't tell him - sorry, but it's true. If it was my man who was bf's with his ex, and didn't tell me she was his ex until after we were engaged, I would feel like I'd been played for a fool and would always wonder just how much of 'our' relationship had been shared with her.

I would be OK with a friendly connection remaining, but being as close as you and your ex are - that would make me uncomfortable.

Good luck Ronja... :wink:

 

Having a ex as a best friend can be difficult and I would be upset if my girlfriend's male friend was her ex and never tell me. I see on the show "Cheaters" when a girl was caught with another man and she told him they were "friends". To the other best friend mean more than platonic.

 

Thank you for your responses.

I agree with all of you. As I wrote, my boyfriend have every right to feel betrayed.

My ex and my boyfriend have met. To be honnest they get along quite well. They've got more or less the same sense of humor (my sense I guess...) , and they share a lot of interests (the same as mine as well).

I had a looong talk with my boyfriend today. I'm an expert in expecting the worst, so I slightly over reacted... We're still engaged, nothing has changed. As I thought, the main reason why he reacted so strongly yesterday, was because of the chock. Now he's given the situation some thought. It's weired to him, and he doesn't like it very much. I've reasured him that he's the one I love aprox a million times, and I also promised to spend a little less time with my friend. That seems to have helped

I really do understand why someone would feel uncomfortable with their partner being best friend with an ex. That being said, I've never taken problems in a relationship out of the relationship. Not even when I had a boyfriend who was constantly cheating, did I tell anyone. What's happening between two people, should stay between two people. At least almost all of the time. I can't imagine myself going to someone else to talk about relationship problems. If my partner discussed me with his friends, I'd feel like I'd been stabbed in the back. So I don't discuss my partner either.

Well, my boyfriend is still hurt. But we'll be OK
It's interesting though, because this is the first real cultural conflict I've noticed. Well, I guess it's cultural anyway. People here don't lift an eyebrow when ex'es are friends, not even close friends...

 

I don't believe you are over it he's your security blanket when you think it through. I've always felt that the only reason; providing he's not gay that women and men are friends is because guys will hang around until they get ass or if he's not attracted to her. If he's not attempting to distant himself from you it's because he still cares as well, think about it and you'll admit it's true..

Furthermore it's not in the best interest in your current relationship to be friends with a male, it causes problems, see paragraph 2 of your initial post. Not the very serious issues it can cause when you are married but enough.

However since you are dating IMO your ties to your boyfriend should be some what restricted.

 

Wow. I'm glad I have a more positive image of men than you do. I think it's very posible for men and women to be friends, and feel nothing but friendship. Most men are capable of some cognitive work, and do not just think with the smaller head.

I'm 100% over my ex by the way. And he over me. We've both moved on. But of course we care for eachother. That's what friends do.

Well, the problem is not really so much that my friend's male, but that he's my ex. My boyfriend is (mostly) ok wiht me having male friends. (It's just a little weired.) If he wasn't ok with it at all, I sadly couldn't be with him, cause I hardly have any female friends. I just don't communicate well with most women.

As mentioned, I have agreed to see my ex less though.

 

I don't see anything wrong with men and women being friends. I have many male friends. Some are my exes, and some are not. If a man is jealous of that, than that means he is insecure and untrusting, and i will not put up with that kind of bs. But I will be upfront with him from the moment we meet. If I expect him to trust me, then I have to be honest with him.

i hope everything works out for you, and that your bf gets over his shock. I can't say I blame him for feeling that way; I hope you've learned your lesson and will be more open with him in future.

 

Hmmm...Dear Ronja...

As you know, I'm from Cameroon (like your bf believe?) and my gf is from a slightly different cultural origin from me (she's French)...she has a lot of male friends, which is more than fine with me...

But it would really bother me if her BEST FRIEND were a guy...and I mean any guy...let alone if that BEST FRIEND was her ex...wow, I just wouldn't be able to imagine that there's not something stronger than friendship left between them! and I probably would have to tear that guy's heart open and eat it!!! :twisted: :twisted: ...ok just kidding!!!

I am not sure what your definition of BEST FRIEND is, but for me it is quite strong! In my country, having a BEST FRIEND of the opposite sex just doesn't sound exactly right...well...culture, I guess...

As for the friendship between men and women, if you look carefully, women always believe in it stronger than men do...that is IMO, bcoz men mostly accept to settle for that when it is obvious that a girl they like would not go further (read date) with them...eventually the relationsihp evolves into some sort of frienship, but the root is still sexual attraction most of the times!!!

 

I was actually hoping you'd answer
It's nice to get the opinion of a Cameroonian.

I think my boyfriend want to tear my ex's heart out and eat it as well... The last few days we've been great, but when I said that I'd be going over to by friend/ex to see a movie, I could definitly sense some jealousy and hatred.

We'll be ok though. Once he moves here, he'll see how common male/female friendeships are here,also with ex'es. And then he'll probably be reasured some.

Haven't been with my friend for a week before today by the way.

I think the reason why I stayed friends with my ex, is actually that when we broke up, he was seriously ill. Because of that, we stayed in contact, and became close friends. But there is no atraction between us. My ex has a new girlfriend as well. She's both younger and prettier than I am