I'm new here; looking for your advice/comments

Hi,
i have been reading this forum for a while, and finally decided to sign up. I'm 20 years old, and for some reason I have been attracted to black guys for most of my life... I used to date around quite a lot (mostly black guys) until over one and a half years ago I met - lets just call him Superman. I am German, he is American and had just come to Germany for professional reasons. Although we did not see each other a lot in the beginning, we were getting really close, became friends, and finally started dating. Everything was perfect, even when he went home for four months it made us even stronger. Then a few months ago the time he would go back home was coming closer. So we started talking about us, about our future. That led us to the "what-about-the-fact-that-I'm-white-and-you-are black"-conversation (we had never talked about it before, because i never thought it was an issue). The bottom line of that conversation was that he doesnt want to tell his family about me because he thinks that might be a problem and if he could choose between me and a black version of me, he would choose the black-girl-version ("it would be easier").
I've been in Chicago for a week now (Superman comes from Chicago) (not to stay with him in the first place, though, but for academic credit..), and it seems things have become even more complicated. I have virtually not seen him since I've been here, and feel like he's uncomfortable with the situation (combining seeing me without letting his family know).
I dont want to put any pressure on him, and I clearly dont want to lose him. He is the most wonderful person I have ever met, but I just dont know if I can compete with his family...
Why cant we just go back to our perfect little bubble?

What do you guys think about all that? Have you had similar experiences? What would you advise me to do?

Thanks for your help.

 

Welcome. Sounds like your situation sucks, and he really should have told you about this when he started developing serious feelings for you. I think the men are in a better position to respond to your situation as they would be more likely to appreciate his perspective. As a WW it's difficult for me to appreciate how a BM would feel if he encountered pressure from his family for dating a WW. Not to mention no one in my family would ever try to give me crap for anything I do, so giving in to what they want is a completely foreign concept to me.

 

Hi RealKittyKat, welcome to the forums (officially)

I have experienced something similar with my man's mom. His family believes that bm/ww combinations were evil - or more specifically that he being with a ww was evil, lol. He ignored their protests, reminded them that he was a grown man and was living his life, etc.. His sister was the only one that reached out to me, tentatively at first but it was a lovely thing.

Now his Mom is warming up to me, albeit slowly but at least I am not pure evil anymore ahahahaha. **whispers** little does she know mwahahahahahaha :smt077

Seriously, if he wants to be with you he will no matter what his family says. If he caves to them based on skin colour well perhaps he needs to do some growing up before he deserves a woman like you hon.

Good luck with the situation. *hugs*

 

There's a line from a movie that I like -- "Hold on tightly; let go lightly".

I say fight for him now. Point out how awesome you are, and how awesome you are together. Point out what he'll loose if he caves to his family. Have an absolutely amazing time when you're together.

But if he chooses to cave? Or, even more cowardly, just wants to keep you as his little secret? Lightly let him go, he never deserved your time. Find the guy who has what you were looking for in supe, and let supe be an amusing anecdote over breakfast with your real hero someday.

 

Thanks for all your support so far!!

well my family is the same. That is why I was even more shocked when he told me. He has met my parents, and not with one word did they ever say anything about him being black.

that is something we have talked about as well. It might indeed just be that he is too young or has not gone through a lot of crazy stuff (like me) to fully understand and appreciate the kind of relationship we have. Eventually he will understand, but I'm afraid it might be too late then.

I think that is what I've been doing for the past one and a half years. Really, I have been a great girlfriend, and he knows that.
(nice movie quote, by the way)

 

Girl, I can see the other ladies' points on here, and I know what it's like to be wrapped up in someone. But honey, if he flat out told you that he'd choose the "black-girl-version" of you over the real you, then I'd tell him "PEACE OUT". :smt109 If he's not willing to except you - all of you - for the woman you are, than you should not waste your time fighting for a relationship with him. I know all about family pressure when it comes to the racial issue, but both of you have to be on the same page. Not only is he on a different page, but sounds like he's reading an entirely different book.

Good luck to ya, girl!