Is Sex the Only Thing that Holds BM/WW Relations Together?

I hear and have read from many critics of BM/WW relationships that the only thing that brings them (black men and white women) together is the sex. Outside of that there is nothing there. Many black female and white male critics level this at the BM/WW relationship. I hear that the reason the WM/BW relationships tend to be more stable and grow is that the two share a historical relationship based on strength. the white male in the dominant role in society and the black female in the dominent role in the black community who is the real power there. Do many of you here feel the same way and have you heard similar thoughts played out in the media and society about BM/WW relationships that are based on sex only and not long term successful relationships when the sex wanes.

Personally i think it's a bunch of B.S.

 

Tough one to answer. Just like with wm/ww relationships, bm/ww relationships can be just sex or can be something much more meaningful. Most of the stereotypes about bm/ww are sexually based stereotypes, so those ww & bm who enter a ir relationship based off of preconceived notions (sterotypes) tend to be have more superficial and sexually based relationships. I actually have much more in common with bm than wm, and I wish I could have more bm friends; but those friendships are rare (unfortunately) due to these commonly believed sexual stereotypes.

 

Re: Is Sex the Only Thing that Holds BM/WW Relations Togethe

I agree it is a bunch of B.S. These critics fail to realize the opposition by racists to bm/ww relationships. The greatest fear of a racist is to see a bm with a hot ww. Some many brothas have been lynched or killed over their affection (perceived or real) towards ww and many ww have been disowned by their families for having relationships and mothering children by bm. And yet bm/ww couples outnumber bw/wm couples 3:1. In order for that to happen, bm and ww have to have a strong bond between them besides sex. We have thousands of successful, loving relationships between bm and ww, so we have every reason to believe our relationships can succeed long-term.

 

No definitely not the case.

The thing that has attracted me has been intelligence. I mean there definitely was/is a physical/sexual attraction and great chemistry in that way. And while I think that is completely necessary in a relationship, that will only take me so far into a relationship.

Intelligence, generousity of spirit, and ability to truly communicate with me are the things that have me where I'm at. When I talk about communication...it's been a really unique experience. It's been more about being able to communicate from the heart and soul. I'm with him because he's an exceptional man and I believe he's with me because I'm an exceptional woman. While the sexual chemistry may be beyond most people's comprehension....that isn't what brought us together. The draw was much more about being able to communicate insights and intellectual intrigue. And it's also about the genuine desire to take care of one another...in all ways.

I think the idea that wm and bw's relationships would be stronger because they have backgrounds based on strength could be true, but not if they are talking about that in some way that bm and ww would not share this as well. Let me tell you...if you really think that wm are the dominant in their relationships...I think that's a gross mistatement. I think there are many wm who THINK they are the dominant in their relationship and they are given that place in society but that doesn't mean they've earned it. I think you have to remember that most of those wm who are holding those positions of power are there greatly because of the women who have gotten them there. We could just as easily discuss that bm and ww have all sorts of things in common because they both may have had some similar struggles.

To me there is something really amazing about a strong black man and a strong white woman in a relationship together.

I laugh at the idea that it's just about sex. People wouldn't go through the things they go through in life if it was just about sex. Come on....sex is easy to get whether openly or covertly. People aren't going to go up against society, their family, friends, or whoever, just for physical relationships.

 

"but not if they are talking about that in some way that bm and ww would not share this as well. Let me tell you...if you really think that wm are the dominant in their relationships...I think that's a gross mistatement. I think there are many wm who THINK they are the dominant in their relationship and they are given that place in society but that doesn't mean they've earned it. I think you have to remember that most of those wm who are holding those positions of power are there greatly because of the women who have gotten them there. We could just as easily discuss that bm and ww have all sorts of things in common because they both may have had some similar struggles.

To me there is something really amazing about a strong black man and a strong white woman in a relationship together. "

Thanks for dispelling a couple of myths.

My family was a patriarchy if there ever was one. In my immediate family and all of my extended family, BM made the money and sent their kids to private schools and colleges to such an extent that the women seldom worked a single day in their lives. When I was growing up, my mom stayed home. I clearly remember her pleading with my dad to accept the fact that she needed more in her life after my siblings and I reached the 8th grade. My dad hated the fact that she went off to work because he made a good living and he was too old fashioned to see the need for this.

Society is, of course, not that way anymore. But, even now, I'm the dominant bread winner within my relationship as well.

I'd love to see the faces of BW from my mom's generation (or even Black women today) after being told that they held "the dominant role" in the Black community.

Michelle Obama is not running for President. She's supporting her HUSBAND'S campaign for the White House.

Then again, there is more than one Black community out there. I grew up within the Black middle class. Maybe he's talking about the poor.

You are correct about something else: WW hold (and have held in the past) a lot more power within the family structure than is readily talked about in public.

Former President Bill Clinton's childhood family is the perfect example of an incompetent father and a very strong, confident mother.

Thanks KN.

 

Re: Is Sex the Only Thing that Holds BM/WW Relations Togethe

i hope this is b.s. it would be quite tragic to be with someone of a different race or ANYONE for that matter for sex only. but many do sadly....the divorce rate in this country is over 50% and and since it is falsly believed that blackwomen don't get married, then guess who would be responsible for this high and tragic divorce rate? :roll:

it just seems like too many blackmen and now more and more blackwomen; since more and more now are crossing over in larger numbers, use their negative views and experiences for crossing to IR unions. shouldnt love and the ability to relate and true feelings be the reason? :cry: really don't understand why not.

BEAUTY

 

The Attraction Is Sex the Only THING............

Absolutely ridiculous. :? A relationship lasts based on the common desire between two people to make it last. The divorce rate in this country is about 50 percent over all, and the majority of these marriages are intra-racial.How in the world can one say that being of the same race is going ensure a more enduring marriage based on numbers like that?

Anyway, I'd love to hear from some of the wonderful white mothers and black fathers here.Ask them if they would create a home together if things were merely based on sex.Ask them if they would secure a mortgage, purchase vehicles, put kids through college........all because of sex?
Just my 2 cents.

 

Re: The Attraction Is Sex the Only THING............

i aware of this fact. don't if you are aiming this at me but i made that statement, because i have seen all over the net how alot of blackmen blame blackwomen for the high divorce rate, which is nonense. sounds like you took what i said the wrong way thus misunderstood as well. don't think i stated that being in a intra racial marriage will ensure anything. don't know where you are going with this here, but if you are aiming this at me, you took what i said and asked completely out of context. :roll:

BEAUTY

 

I don't think this is a ridiculous topic but it's not only a bm/ww topic. I think this applies to everyone. I know a number of people in a relationship only for the sex regardless of skin color. I think this is just a stereotype. More reasons for people, not you beauty, to make up an excuse for bm/ww relationships. Like bm and ww can't just be a couple like wm/ww. People think there has to be something deeper than that. It can't be that a bm and ww are two people that love and care for each other just like every other couple. It must be b/c of the sex, the ww can't find wm that like them, or the bm don't like the bw for some reason. It's always something.

 

Its true in most cases. White women and black men are perhaps the most incompitable people in the dating arena. So unless the white woman turns into a ghetto wannabe, or the black man turns into carlton banks, such relationships will be primarily based on sex

 

Re: The Attraction Is Sex the Only THING............

^^^i told you not to take the prozacs

 

beacause ignorance and stupidity is a permenant fixture in our society...

thank you jesies for such a kind response; very appreciated.

BEAUTY

 

oh goodness BlackMasterJay i hope that isnt true. judging for all the hate that blackmen and blackwomen spew at one another all over the net makes me wonder if blackmen and blackwomen are the most incompitable people in the dating arena. never do i hear anyone of any other race attack, bash and display the amount of hate that bm and bw spew towards one another...what a tragic state to be in....

BEAUTY

 

You are welcome Beauty. I don't agree with BlackMasterJay at all either. I don't agree wih the fact that bm/ww relationships are the most incompatible. Why should they be? Besides racism, what makes it so hard. BMJ is talking about the bm turning into Carlton Banks, my husband is no Carlton Banks but he's also not a thug or gangster and even though he was born and raised right in the hood, he doesn't act like it. He's got an education and doesn't have to use derogatory comments to get his point across or talk to his friends. I have not turned hood to my knowledge either and don't plan on it. As a matter of fact, I dated my man for about 4 mos before dropping my panties for him. We went out and did things together, it was not about sex in the beginning. This may be true for you BMJ but not everyone. For what Blacktiger wrote, I don't see how wm/bw relationships would be any different. They endure the same racism and problems. How do they have a shared history? What is special about the wm/bw relationship that is not about the bm/ww? I don't understand that. I understand the 2nd paragraph of what Wedlock said. Exactly, are you going to have children, buy a home, everything that goes along with it, would you do it just b/c the sex is good? I don't think so, good sex is not worth going through all of that with the wrong person.

 

Re: The Attraction Is Sex the Only THING............

guess mama never told you that the mind is a tragic thing to waste. get a life and a clue...then get a job. :roll:

BEAUTY

 

IMHO (or at least in the narrow world of my personal experiences) I have found that actually the bm/ww relationship is one of the more compatible. In terms of other people's perceptions of us, my bf believes that I have an upperhand (being white) whereas I believe that he has the upperhand (being a male). Although it sucks that we live in a culture where being of any one gender or race poses both benefits and burdens...the one good thing out of all of it is that being in my ir, I feel as if I am on somewhat of a more equal footing than if I were with a wm.

Now, before anyone gets worked up about that last last personal statement, that is NOT why I am attracted to bm, nor does it have anything to do with what goes on in our own home. But outside of our four walls, it is a fact that occasionally we will be treated differently based off of our combination or gender/race.

 

If there is one thing I have learned during my short time on this planet called earth, it's that good, long-lasting relationships/marriages are not based on sex, but sex is essential for the relationship/marriage to survive. Sex helps you put your natural defenses down and compromise. How many times have you been mad with your bf/gf, had "angry sex" (as Ray Romano calls it) with your mate, and afterwards be call enough to come together and at least talk. Sex doesn't solve the problem, but opens the door to communication TO work towards a solution. Anyone who says a man and a woman (black or white in any combination,) can have a solid, long-lasting relationship without having a strong sex life is a liar and a fool! Because if you don't have that physical chemistry with your mate, eventually you or your mate will find yourself looking for that with someone else.
Personally, I think WM and BW are jealous of the natural chemistry and attraction that exists between WW and BM. Think about it...you always hear WM and BW making the snide remarks about WW/BM relationships, but rarely do you hear about WW and BM complaining about WM/BW relationships. Maybe because so few exists...?

 

You really hit upon something here. And, because the world is getting much smaller, it's important to point out that WM/BW IN AMERICA may have a jealousy problem. (The problem may not be as great in other countries).

A lot of people are jealous of BM because (lets face it) we dominate most physical forms of competition (compared to other men). So the perception is that BM can do things other men may not (physically, which includes the bedroom).

BM make up (maybe) 15 to 20% of the male population in America. Yet, despite WM doing everything in their power to win million dollar sports contracts, BM still make up 80-85% of all pro football players. Thus, WM have something to support their anger as they know, everything being equal, a larger percentage of WM should be athletic stars...but are not.

The reason why they are not? Black men (the same guys conquering "their women" on top of proving their athletic capability).

So, some WM might get pissed for two reasons? 1. A BM may be better than him physically and 2. It's his sister that loves the fact that some BM can be more physically "gifted."

BW hate it for the same reason they don't hook up with Asian men in large numbers: If you're accustomed to one "kind" of man, you may not want one that, rightly or wrongly, does not make you feel as feminine or in the same way that a BM may.

They're also upset because BM pursue WW and WW have said "yes" ...even in the stupid south. And they despise the fact that WW pursue BM as well.

I stand by what I've said repeatedly: BM and WW, physically, are a perfect combination. But, it's also the fact that BM and WW do not have the same hate filled baggage that WM and BW have had between them for centuries.

When BM fought for their rights, WW had to fight just to have the legal right to vote. So, we have not been at war the way WM and BW have.

Finally, I think that BM and WW are flattered that both groups seek each other despite the many roadblocks put in place by (mainly) WM and, to a lesser degree, BW.

 

Hmmm, while your statement about fighting for rights is true, I am not sure it has any actual effect on the bm/ww relationship. For instance, I have grown up with the right to vote, the right to work, etc... While I am cognizant of how precious those rights are and the fight that took place to get them, I don't personally identify with the women who fought for them. It was at least one generation ago, and the issue has never been discussed by any of my family members. My point is, that commonality would have no bearing on my feelings for any bm, because it isn't one that I have experienced personally.

In addition, bw would have been a part of both of the 'wars' that you describe above. But I don't understand the two sentences put together. How does the struggle for civil rights put wm and bw at war?

But yes, it is flattering to be sought out by someone who will likely get a hard time for being with me. :wink: