Learning How to Pick a Good Husband

The one thing that has always turned me off about the American dating scene is that whole "I need a bad boy/you're too nice crap." It's amazing to notice the extent at which this self-destructive way of thinking has infiltrated many young American women's minds. Even quite a good number of older, professional women still say that stuff. I understand it goes both ways, but it seems to me that in the initial dating phases, at least here in America, the woman wields way, too much power over the man who finds her attractive and seeks to get to know her better. I mean...the superficial rejection and many times exaggerated and unnecessary rejection that a man needs to deal with in the dating game in the U.S. before eventually finding the right woman is amazing.

For me personally, I appreciate a woman who I think can stand by me in good or bad times. Much of the problem I experienced for example with American black women in college is that most were unwilling to stand by me or give me a chance when I was struggling. They wanted immediate satisfaction; they wanted to enjoy the comforts of life (flashy cars, expensive homes) even if they were provided for by men who got these things by engaging in illegal activities. Most of them lived for today, without thinking about the future. It's very painful when you approach a woman with respect at a club for example, and she sees that you're intellectual and have your act together, then she immediately tells you she has a boyfriend. Later on at that same club, you see some guy with bling-bling on his neck and a baggy, white T-shirt, turning her around. I just tell myself when I come across such women that they don't deserve my time and I deserve much better...someone able to recognize and appreciate the potential in me.

I watched a segment yesterday on The Today Show where a group of young, white American women were talking about how they view dating as a team sport.

"It's a lot easier to ditch the guys when we go out in groups," one of them said.

It just reminded me of something I saw last Saturday night while hanging out at a lounge with one of my friends. A group of women, four white and one black, were standing by the dance floor. Of course, it's a lot harder to approach any of the women in the "circle" under those circumstances, given the fact that it's possible most would feel the pressure to reject men in an effort to act tough while with their friends. But I felt sorry for this group of white guys who were trying so desperately to score with those group of women. I could see that most of the women didn't seem to appreciate their approach, and then they pretty much started making fools out of themselves by the way they were dancing, as if in a desperate atempt to please this women. It didn't take long for the group of women to leave.

One of the most interesting things that I seem to have discovered from working out is that I can easily spot a woman who wouldn't be interested in me under normal circumstances. It's like all of a sudden you have some sort of "special qualification" to begin dating them. Anyway, that's the world in which we live.

 

i agree and it is sad, but that is why Americans have a 50% divorce rate, why 70% of black children grow up in single parent households with 60% in poverty or working poor situations.

the unreal idea about love, and relationships--that somehow sex equals love, that love on television is the same as real life love, soup operas having more influence than family, churches, etc.

 

I agree with this entire thread. This part makes me laugh because there are plenty of men out there that are fantastic lovers but don't have that bad boy/thuggish exterior. Some women are missing out!!! In my opinion, the best sex comes along with the love of a good man.

 

I also agree with the entire thread, I have to say, when I see/hear about guys ( mainly white guys ) bending over backwards just please women who will never be satisfied with them, or anything in life no matter what, all I can do is pity them quietly, and avoid making the same mistakes with women that they tend to make again and again MYSELF, of course, I ain't one to be a people-pleaser regardless.

 

and thus, the women will continue to pick husbands who cheat and beat since they dont use any value judgements, any common sense, just hey he looks good, go for it, that is sad and pathetic

 

The ones who don't cheat and beat are the ones they aren't sexually attracted to.

 

i know, i was one of the ones they werent

 

Re: It's a Shame

It's truly a shame. I still recall this one time last spring when I was hanging out with a friend in the Old City area. Two, white women probably in their mid-20s (they looked like and were dressed as professionals) were drinking, then they later left the lounge where I was at to go another one (the 5 Spot) one of the clubs in that area known to be frequented by thuggish/bad boy black guys. I guess they felt they weren't geting enough action at the club where they were at previously. I found the blonde lady, average height, etc., very attractive. She had a wonderful figure/body, but by the time I was trying to see if I could talk to her, she and her friend were leaving and I lost track of them. The next time I saw her again was at 2 a.m. when the clubs were letting out. There she was, being turned around by this tall, black guy wearing an extremely, baggy white T-shirt. He had a very thick, long beard and she was enjoying the attention. The reason was, she had a really nice, big and firm-looking behind...and of course, when these so-called thug types come across white women with such features (which are believed to be rare upon them) these thuggish guys completely lose their minds and can't control themselves.


I caught up with her after that. My approach was calm, smooth, intelligent/intellectual. I found out she was from the suburbs of Pennsylvania (Harrisburg). She brushed me off immediately, and I wasn't surprised...for she seemed like the type who would leave a suburban community to seek a so-called bad boy in the city for "wild sex." The irony is that when you see many of these women, you would think they are the type who should know better. And when you see many of the guys these women have flings with, it's often not even as if the guys are the best-looking fellows in the world. Most of them tend to be real losers. The American dating game just isn't very fair at all for the most part. It's a real shame.

 

So I've noticed also, Shaft. The very thing that gives white men an advantage is the very thing that gives us a disadvantage.

 

Hello Sardonic,

Could you please elaborate more on that if you don't mind? I want to make sure that I understood you correctly. Are you saying for example that most of these younger white women who pursue black men already have preconceived notions of how black men should behave? Is it shocking to most of them to come across a black man who doesn't exhibit anti-social behavior, is courteous, classy, respectful, calm and intellectual?

 

Shaft: Yes!! they are confused by a black man who is equal or better than them socially, educationally, economically. They have learned about black men through media and education which portrays blacks as dancing, basketballers, rappers, criminals, unemployable, entertainers and sex craved. I have been assaulted by WW and white people in general who think, I must be such a minority of a minority because I dont fit their stereotype. they say, "you are different, meaning not black like other blacks" and they hate it because they are used to dealing with blacks as victims, as people who need their help, who they can save.

Your experience is due to the fact that you assumed that a WW is supposed to look a certain way to be interested in BM. It isnt true. There are white women of all kinds of backgrounds(rich poor),(rural, suburban and urban), (southern, northern, western), (educated, not educated),(christian, jewish, no religion). You cant assume that white women are all about the thug type, or like soul music, or like to dress like hip hop girls, or talk a certain way.

you have ww who are really country, into Nascar, rodeo and country music and they are interested in black guys. You have conservative women, republicans, and ultra right wing and love black guys(example--Clarence Thomas' wife Virginia is from a Midwestern conservative family). they can be hippies, environmentalist, etc but still they like black men.

 

I could not agree with you more, Tuck!
Unfortunatley the stereotyping goes both ways!

I've been told a few times that I don't look like "the type" of WW who's into BM. And I never really know what they expect.

 

i hear you Pearlgirl, it is sickening to be put into a stereotypical box all the time. I was raised to be a barrier breaker and I live my life outside of that box. so people always say, whoa, you dont act, seem, talk like a black person we see on TV.

but people think we should talk like dave chappell, or have a prison record, can dance like ll cool j, have 3 or 4 kids around the country and not paying for them, smoke dope, sell dope, dropped out of high school, beat women and just out for sex.

they forget that there are black men who are committed christians, muslims and jews. they forget that many of us have college and professional degrees(larry elder, mlk jr, colin powell, thomas sowell, etc) how come they forget that there are all these educated and professional men??? they forget that many in the south do not live in ghettos as they live in rural areas and are farmers with simple, very strong values. they forget many of us are soldiers- very patriotic and hardworking. they dont want to see or admit that many of us live in the suburbs in the same houses that they do. people need to turn off MTV and BET and actually get out in the world and see what real people do. go to Atlanta and see all the professionals. go to DC, Baltimore, Richmond, Charlotte, Dallas and Houston. and see men in business suits and going about their jobs and responsibility.

even go online to www.blackpeoplemeet.com; www.interracialmatcher.com, www.interracialmatch.com and see that white women look for all times of black men and that its not always the stereotypes.

 

Re: Good Analysis

Great post and analysis there, Tucker. I guess what surprises me most is when I come across these white women who work and live in the suburbs (supposedly well-educated and professional) actively seeking out the thuggish men. One would expect them to know better...but your reply explained it all and I'm not surprised. It's such a shame. I guess those of us open-minded, educated, and cultured black men just can't win. On the one hand, black folks who don't know any better say we're "acting white." On the other hand, white women who don't expect much from us due to our race and media stereotyping are shocked and confused when they meet us.

 

EXACTLY.

 

Talk about hittin' a home run here, tuck. :shock: :smt023 artyman:

 

a homerun, without Steroids!! ha ha

 

I could not agree more with you, man. Although i have a significant number of friends who believe that if a white girl does not like Hip Hop and RnB, doesn't love basketball and all that stuff, she does not like black guys or is not interested. Hmmmm.....

 

What Tucker says is .....simply true.

 

Cris, as you know, i am 40 years old and have dated/married IR all my life. i have never experienced WW who date BM only like hip hop, R&B. I haved dated i guess 35 women in my life and not one of them was into that type of music.

perhaps thats the only type of places those women go, clubs like that, but women who go to college bars, go to conservative churches and synagogues, women who are suburban and rural, not all of them like that type of music. go also to the IR dating websites and see all the women who are interested in so many different types of music