Personal Ads

what about this spin...as a single mother of 1...i would be less likely to date someone that doesn't have children...mainly because a single person doesn't understand that the child has to come first...i have tried to date men without children...it just doesn't work...i prefer to date the opposite sex that is also "damaged" goods...see there is someone for everyone...

 

That's interesting, I am the opposite. Also a single mother of one, I prefer men w/out kids b/c it is so much easier! They are more flexible as far as scheduling, for one thing. But I do spend lots of time in the early stages of dating making sure the guy is mature enough to understand that the kids numero uno.
I dated a guy with kids ONCE and it was a pain. Getting in sync with someone else's kids is tough! Plus, we had such different parenting and discipline styles, it just didn't work.

 

Mostly the whole 'damaged goods' thing makes indignant. As in, 'you should be so lucky as to get your hands on my damaged goods!'

 

You fail to understand where im coming from. I may be young, but i do know when a woman goes from being eligible to "damaged material".

I know the word is derogatory to an extent, but would "defective"..or second hand, or even "worn out" be more effective?..What i mean by damaged goods is that the woman in question has been heart broken by white men on so many occasions that they start believing that all white men are lying scum. Such women tend to be single mothers with TONS of buggage..i mean, buggage that will eventually wear your ass out.....

I know nobody is perfect, and some of the greatest works of art are filled with imperfections as they age...but this concept doesnt apply to women, or man for that matter....If a white woman has been through more than one marriage with white dudes, has couple of white kids, and a "sudden" urge for black men??..you know shes gotta be defective one way or another....

 

Im not a troll tho...

I just call it like i see it

 

I have to agree with you on this.
I would see any person with the "these people broke my heart so now I'm all about those people" as damaged goods.
I would run away from any woman who thought like that.

Far away....

 

Conversations Between/"So called damaged goods."

8) Master Jay:
I don't think you're a troll-that's what I was saying. I just think that you could have articulated your point a bit better.If you specifically mean a white woman who has a low sense of self-esteem and begins to think that dating black men is somehow an "easier standard,"then yes-that's what I stay away from- and gravitate toward a woman who wants to be with me because our relationship would be edifying for the both of us. NOT merely to fill a hole in lieu of an elusive "white man" that was somehow just out of her reach.
If the above was your general jist, then designer reinforces that idea and I agree on that portion.
But again with all due respect a woman isn't "damaged" after she divorces and perhaps has children.I fear that brand of thinking is like what the former troll(not you) kept trying to advance in here.It's that hackneyed old stereotype about the only white women who would be with black men are fat, unkempt, aged, undereducated.........the list of bullshit goes on forever.
So that's where I was coming from.People divorce and have children from those broken marriages in all phases.You'd be calling a lot of people in this country "damaged"if children and divorce are your criteria.
Thanks.

 

I think what is meant by "damaged goods" is precisely the kind of white women who obviously are attracted to black men but want to eat their cake and have it. These are the kinds who, when they are young, wouldn't even look at a black man. They'd marry a wealthy white man, have their children and occasionally sleep with black men without their husbands knowing. Then when they reach menopause or something like that, and are probably divorced, then they feel they are good enough for a black man.

Which is exactly the case with 85% of white women who date black men from their 30s onwards. Obviously, they wouldn't admit it....

 

Well in MY opinion, and I am speaking here from my perspective. The only thing 'damaged' is your opinion and perception of these white women dating black men. Why can't a woman change her mind and start dating both Black and White man at a later age? What is the problem? Just because she wasn't open to it at 18 why is it not ok to change her mind later in life?
Believe me dating and finding a good BM is not in any way easier than a good WM so I don't know why you would say something like this. What would any woman gain from, to use your logic, 'downgrading' to a BM? I am plus 30 and have just now opened my mind to possibly dating hispanic men, does that make me damaged goods in the eyes of the hispanic men?

 

I knew you'd misinterpret me but that's okay. I'm just telling you something that a lot of people do. You may have come across a particular article in the New York Times some time ago called "A White Woman Explains Why She Prefers Black Men". In th article, the woman subtlely hinted at the fact that she doesn't attract white men, and so goes for black men. What does that say?

There is absolutely no problem if a woman didn't date black men at 18 and later decides to. But i find it hard to believe that attraction to a certain kind of people is simply sparked. It's mostly developed from a long time. Most white women prefer white men, most black women prefer black men. It is because for the most pat, both groups grow along each other and so would be more likely to prefer their intrinsic features. Attraction is no exception. And so when you like something, it builds up. You cannot completely fall in love with something at once.

I am not saying you (or anyone for that matter) is "damaged goods" - i find it deplorable to compare humans to non-living things - but my point is simple and clear, and trying to deny the existence of people who act like that is intellectually dishonest.

 

Chris, I did not misinterpret you on purpose, I just didn't get where you were coming from that is all.
I guess it comes back to your reason for dating a BM. If you are just after the sex I can see how many women don't care enough about the person and may think: "hey this is what I can get so I am happy with it".
However if someone is looking for a genuine relationship I am going to be naive here and hope the reasons are genuine and not just someone who settles for what she can get.
I will try to find the article you mentioned in the NYT archives.

 

IMO, this kind of discussion says little to nothing about the actual "quality" of white women interested in Black men but rather provides a good insight into the mindsets of black men who suffer from such a deep seated inferiority complex that they convinced themself that any "quality" woman would rather be with the "white superman" than with black men.

To those black men, the mere fact that a white women would show interest in a black man already disqualifies her from the pool of "quality" women. A quality women, so they think, would never prefer black men over the "white superman", quality women would never be interested in someone like them, period. Therefore something must be wrong with her.

And these type of Black men will always find something they can carp about. The woman will be either too fat or too skinny, the boobs and her butt will be too small or too large, the hair too short or too long, she will be too tall or too short, she either has too much freckles or not enough, she will be either divorced ("damaged goods") or has never been married ("nobody wants her ass thats why she settles for me") and she is either brainless white trash or too uppity and an elitist, and so on and so on ...

In contrast, these men have developed a strange kind of selective perception which provides them with the delusion that the white "supermen" all have well rounded, down to earth, right amount of sexual appetite having, Mother Theresa-hearted, Supermodel-figured and Einstein IQ-having women dangling on their arms.

I actually feel pitty for this type of men, it must be hell on earth to live with a mindset which eleminates the possibility of being sincerely loved by a "quality" woman ... :?

 

I agree with you here, Silver, but you're missing the point. This particular issue has been raised, as the original poster did, due to his observations in the "Personal Ads". I have to say, it would be almost delusional for a person to look at those things and insist they aren't based on curiosity factors.

Without a doubt, there certainly are men who think the way you have described. And i am gladthat you brought up the issue of white male "superiority". It rules in American society a lot and affects the sexual dynamics. I personally do not see myself as an inferior black man but believe me, there are people out there who believe that "quality" white women do not date black men. They may not say these things to your face but boy, do they believe it?

Also, i think the view that is projected of bm/ww relationships has been skewered in America that one cannot have a non-diluted view of it.

 

Cris - this post made me angry when I first read it, but not so much after going thru it a couple of times. I get where you are coming from with your theory but would hope your estimation of how many women fall within it is inflated. Suggesting that 85% of women over 30 only date BM b/c they feel they are good enough for a BM (and implictly suggesting they don't feel they are good enough for a WM?) surprises me coming from you.
But, as a 35 yr old, divorced, single mother, who has never dated a bm before, it's hard for me to argue without looking defensive, especially when you put the ending of 'obviously, they wouldn't admit it...' on your post. Suffice it to say, I consider myself 'high-quality' goods, not damaged - and don't date a black man b/c I feel I've finally fallen that low or couldn't rise to the level of a good WM. I don't think of bm/wm in levels like that at all - there's good/bad quality of men in both, and I wouldn't date a bad quality man of either.

 

Conversations-The Personals.

:? Kind of a tough little thread here, but for my .02, I agree with the essence of Silvercosma's assertion in that when we view others as "damaged,"inferior," defective,"these are labels that subconsciously we feel about ourselves.I can only speak for myself, but as a black man-as a man-as an individual-I am proud to be what I am and proud to love who I love,and prefer whomever I prefer.I didn't always feel this way and subconsciously DID used to buy into a theory that said the only white women who would be interested in me as a black man would have a laundry list of so called "defects."
My world is now bigger than any limitations anyone can attempt to place upon my psyche, so I only affirm the best for myself and being my best for others.
Agree with funnyprettysmart in the sense that you'd have to ignore the "elephant in the room" if you dismiss that some of these ads are based on myths at best, and pure degredation and objectification at worst.
But by no means are women who happen to be divorced with children "damaged," broken," "defective." Funny is a lovely lady finishing her law degree, for an example.
Fundamentally, "no one" is a "leftover," because we're all human beings,and I can see how a white woman would be a little insulted for the implication that she is any of the above merely for choosing a black male as a mate.That's a ploy by the white man.It's an attempt to rank and classify people based on a lot of factors, but it also is a technique used to mask a sense of insecurity.Notice our resident troll admitting to his uneasiness whenever he sees a "desirable" white woman with a black male.Notice his expressed apathy whenever he sees a "cast off" white woman with a black male.But notice, what some of us have bought into?Well, I returned that garbage back to the store a long time ago!
I just think that it boils down to the core of being an individual and being self actualized.On the surface I'm attracted to white females, but there needs to be so much more in place when I respond to one of these personals on here.I'm choosing whom I'm attracted to because it best reflects ME, and not because I'm settling.And nor do I wish to be with a white woman who somehow feels this way.I do not know funnyprettysmart, but I don't think she feels this way and there is no doubt that some white women DO, but there are MANY white women all around the world who genuinely appreciate black men.
Society can try it's best to stop this attraction, but I am sure funnypretty smart and many of the other lovely white ladies on here aren't going to stop being open to loving black men-and NOT because they are a certain age, weight, with child, or any other reason that reveals a low sense of self.I think it's genuine in many more cases than the 15% quoted here.
Thanks.

 

:smt058 at Wedlock

 

The Personals.

:smt054 Well, Danke Schon, danke.

 

Double double that!

Thanks, Wedlock - really.

 

After reading this thread I had the urge to call every ex as well as my male friends and poll them as to whether I might be considered "damaged goods" or not. Then it dawned on me that if women might be described as "damaged goods," then so might men. I've known men (some divorced, with & without kids, of varying physical description as well as varying economic & social status, etc.) who chose to date exclusively outside of their race after a particularly bad break up with a mate of their own race. Since I didn't relate to this reasoning and since getting involved with anyone who wasn't at peace with his past relationships was simply not a good idea for me, I steered clear of these fellows. However, my differing from them gave me no right to deem them "damaged goods." Maybe I'm being generous, but I'd bet that most everyone here knows that slapping any label on someone that's based upon sexist and/or racist generalizations won't make the world a better place. I'd also bet that everyone here knows that people date who they date for a bunch of reasons and that those reasons vary at different points in their lives. So instead of making rote judgements based upon race, size, gender, etc., why not simply recognize when someone's reasons aren't compatible with yours and then respectfuly move on? It really is that easy. And so less hurtfull.

 

Conversations.The Personals.

Hello Veema:
I think your observations sum things up succintly, and apologies for a heavy thread and long post by me to wade through.
The subject happened to be one I feel passionate about.
Thanks.