Reasons behind IR relationships

I was wondering if there are other people here who became interested in dating outside their race for reasons other than they tend to be more attracted to people outside their race, or they just happened to fall for someone that happened to be not of their race. I believe like anyone else that you should be with someone because that person, no matter what the race, is who turns you on and is a satisfying mate. I have to admit that I never really thought about bm with romantic interest until recently. Sure, I've thought a few bm whom I've come across are cute, but I've always been naturally attracted to a certain type of man: blonde, tall, blue-eyed. Don't know why exactly, but most men I've dated and been undyingly attracted to fit this prototype. I've dated men who are brown-eyed, brown-haired like me, who I found to be attractive, but I just don't get the same feelings with them.

Maybe part of the reason why I never considered it is because my parents, esp. my dad, are pretty racist. My dad, when I call him on it, says he uses the n-word for "shock value," doesn't mean anything by it, has black friends, etc., but I said what if I fell in love with a bm, and he replied, "Just don't bring him here." :roll: I would never have wanted to bring a young bm home and subject him to that. Family and society pressures us to do certain things and I think that we can't being influenced by that sometimes, and think anything outside their way of thinking is "wrong." I think a part of me wants to rebel against that - I'm 25 years old, stuck in the quarter life crisis, and realizing how screwed up our society is. Also, location has a great deal to do with my interest in dating bm. I grew up in a small town where IR relationships rarely happened, but recently lived in a city that was just the opposite - liberal and very open to IR love. I'd say there are close to as many blacks living there as whites now, so that is just what's available when it comes to dating. I was approached primarily by bm, though didn't get into any relationships because I was seeing someone for most of the time I lived there. However, I'm thinking of going back to live in the future because there are more opportunties, more things to do - I didn't realize how boring and closeminded this place was until I got out of it for awhile.

I got ripped by saying this on the other board I frequent (a hair/fashion board of primarily white women), but also, I've grown tired of white men. I made it clear that I don't think they're all the same, but that the majority tend to hold similar views on political and cultural/racial issues that I just don't agree with. They simply don't know what it's like to be a woman or racial minority, and aren't very sensitive to our side of it, either. My dad has said that he thinks in no way would someone be held back because of their race/gender/religion, and if they claim inequality as a reason for not getting a promotion, for example, that they're simply making excuses. It's sad that many white men don't even make an effort to understand. I've grown tired of these attitudes, but struggle with my attraction to white men. It's not like I think all black men are identical - that just because I'm not attracted to one of two doesn't mean I won't be attracted to any. There are winners, losers, hot men, unnatractive ones, of all races. But, part of attraction is compatability - sharing similar communication styles, being comfy with the person. I know blacks are known to have different communication styles than whites - I'm a little shy and am a little intimidated by this, having not known many bm. I just feel that I may be interested in dating bm for the wrong reasons. It's not like it matters right now, anyway, because I recently got a job here in my mostly white hometown and intend to stay for at least several months. Though, I do go to the city sometimes (an hour away) and am open to meeting people there. I even did a search for that area on a personals site - I didn't really stay long enough before (I went for a year and a half for a school program) to get to know people and didn't make much of an effort. Anyway, I had to re-type this whole last paragraph because it got erased somehow and I can't remember what else I had to say. I mainly just want to see if anyone else has gotten into IR relationships for the same reasons. Do you have a natural attraction to your own race, but have become less open to sticking to your own race because of bad experiences with same race partners? Did you date outside your race because of things like stereotypes (wanted to see if bm make better lovers, or if ww treat their men better)? Did you regret making a move to the other side (well probably not since you're at this site)?

 

I don't mean to pick on your post. But I can't get over a couple of things you said. To begin with, your dad is a racist. I don't care if he has "a couple of black" friends, or uses the "n word for shock". He is what he is, a racist. I hate when whites use that as a excuse.

How crazy would I sound if I said I go around killing people. But I mean nothing by that, I just do it for shock. Wouldn't you see me as a crazy killer? Well your dad is a racist. The second part I don't understand is, what do you mean blacks communicate differently than whites? Don't worry about what you see on TV, movies, or songs. Blacks can speak properly English likes whites also. Believe it or not.


If your dad is "not racist" why are you scared to date a black guy. If you're afraid he won't value your new BF because of his racist, then isn't your dad racist? And you know your dad the best here. If you feel he'll do such a thing, then how can you claim he ain't a racist?


Your dad doesn't seem too bad. I know whites who wouldn't even shake a BM's hand let alone have friends that are black. I don't think your dad would mind. And if he does, just move to the city. You're very independent, correct?

Just out of curiousity, which city do you live near by?

 

I personally don't care for stereotypes, and i'll never seek out a ww to see if any of them are true. I just find that to be extremely shallow. Anyway, what do you mean when you say "did you regret making a move to the other side?" I'm not sure i understand the question there. It sounds like your preference could still be with white guys maiseycat, but maybe i'm reading into that wrong? By the way, even if your dad is racist, that shouldn't have any effect on your life. My dad is also a racist, but instead of allowing him to dictate my life, i refuse to have anything to do with him. And no, i don't care if he is my father. If my mom was like that, i wouldn't be around her all that much either. You have to be your own person, regardless of what your family or friends are saying. In my opinion, to date and marry IR you have to have really thick/tough skin in order to block out all of the negative influences, but if you don't have really tough skin, and you focus too much on what other people are saying, maybe an IR relationship isn't right for you. Just my opinion though. :wink:

 

maiseycat, I was referring to your dad not accepting his racism. It was not direct to you. I just thought my post was misleading

 

Soul_brotha - to clarify, I never said that my dad wasn't racist. I'm not sure where you got that from. I definitely think that he's racist. As I've said, I've confronted him about it and flat out told him that he should talk to someone about why he says these things and thinks that it's acceptable. What I said after that: "Family and society pressures us to do certain things and I think that we can't being influenced by that sometimes, and think anything outside their way of thinking is "wrong." - I was no longer talking about my dad there. I should've made it a separate paragraph. What I meant by that statement is that society dictates to us what is right and wrong (which I'm learning to just screw what society thinks), and maybe my hesitancy to consider bm as romantic prospects in the past had something to do with that.

With the difference in communication styles - I don't think that blacks generally speak like rappers on MTV, lol - I've had enough exposure to blacks to know that that's not true. I learned about differences in communications styles from some of my communications classes - for instance, men tend to use their hands more when they're talking, women tend to use less eye contact with speaking. I also know blacks tend to be more open and direct - that is true from my experiences, anyway. I've also found that wm beat around the bush more. For instance, I had a wm friend that I found out liked me romantically for a few months. I had absolutely no idea. He said he wasn't sure how I felt, was afraid to say anything, etc. BM in my experiences tend to be more open about talking about these things, something that I like. I'm so used to dating white men and if I'd date someone who's used to dating black women (who seem to speak their minds more than ww) it could be a little intimidating to us both. I'm very shy and it's often taken as snobbiness - it's just hard for me to open up at first. WM tend to like this for some reason - I think it's because I've read that they have a natural need to take control when with ww (and I believe that's true - just by observing body language). I thought about online dating as a way to meet someone from the city because you would kind of get to preview the person and talk some before meeting face-to-face. But, online dating, which is something I've never done before plus dating someone outside my race for the first time is a big step. KWIM? Does this sound silly? People are people, right? I tend to worry needlessly sometimes.

I'm talking about Columbus, OH. We call it "the city" because it's the capital and the closest large city to us. Also, with my dad, I don't think he'd be happy with anyone I date. He's had issues with me dating a man that was older than me, had a problem with one because he is from a poorer area, it goes on. Yes, I'm an adult and will do what I want to do. In the past, it was an issue because I lived under his rules. Even now, I've had to live with my parents for a few months after 3 years of living alone because my apartment was robbed when I was in Columbus - had nowhere else to go, ended up coming back when my lease was up. Yes, if I'm away from here it will be much easier to do my own thing. Still, I think my dad is generally a good person despite his faults - I want him to be a part of my life and I want him to accept whatever person I settle down with. If I have children, I want them to know their grandparents. I think he would eventually come around to me seeing a BM because he loves me and knows it would be important to me. Even if not I'd not make it a deterrent to me being with who I want to be with - I was just explaining my background and how it affects my lifestyle now.

 

Anyway, what do you mean when you say "did you regret making a move to the other side?" I'm not sure i understand the question there. It sounds like your preference could still be with white guys maiseycat, but maybe i'm reading into that wrong?

I was told by an AA/Carribean woman who dated many wm, then settled down w/a bm that people in IR relationships often experience "a loss of a person of the same color." She has a sister who married a wm because she saw it as "moving up" and she wanted to know if her kids would have blue eyes (I don't think that's a good reason at all to date a wm, just saying that there's lots of different reasons, some good, some not for dating IR). Her sister would look at bm longingly sometimes because there were things she felt she couldn't share with her husband because he was white.

My preference isn't with white guys, I'd say. I'm honestly not in the position to say which race/ethnicity I prefer because I simply haven't been around people outside my race enough to know. I've had a couple bw as friends, but as far as bm, I've lived in an over 90% white area for most of my life. There just aren't many bm here, and I rarely see IR couples. I don't think I want to live here forever, but with my financial situation, it's best that I stick with this job for several months so I'll have steady experience. I enjoyed living in the city - the variety of cultures and different points of view being one of the reasons why. I want that to be a part of my life - doesn't mean I have to be with someone outside my race to have that experience, but I'm open to trying new things. I guess that sums up where I am now - I'm open to change - even dating someone outside of this town will be a change for me, but I don't feel like I belong here, and am wholly disatisfied with my surroundings (men, landscape, shopping, everything).

 

OK, that's kind of what I thought, but I wasn't sure.

 

If I knew you and if I were your friend, I'd tell you to find a white guy that thinks like you do.
There are many of them out there.

We've all known that there are people into IR for right reasons and for wrong reasons.Whatever those many be I've never understood the "black women are :blank: so I need to be with some none black women and I don't understand this either.

I've said this before and I believe it now more than ever - If I found out that anybody was with me because they did not like someone else - I'd drop them faster than you could say misguided.

 

I wouldn't get with someone just because I didn't like someone else. I'd rather be alone. After reading the OP over I see how you would think otherwise, but I have said in other posts and have heard others say that bm and ww are more on the same level culturally. Women and blacks have both had to overcome struggles. We both have been seen as substandard beings to white men throughout history. Also, politics are very important to me - it's a big part of who I am - and I've rarely found a wm who is on the same page as I am politically.

I think that most people are naturally attracted to their own race, whether they want to admit it or not, but instant attraction isn't everything. I've had mad attraction to guys before, and it didn't make a relationship because I struggled to find common ground with them. Doesn't mean I can't have a good relationship with a white man. Could be where I live or the type of men I attract, but I just haven't found anyone I'm compatible with. Maybe I'm meant to be alone, I don't know, but I don't think I should limit myself to dating men of just one race. If I meet a great guy tomorrow who happens to be white, great, I'll give it a try. If I meet a great guy who happens to be black, I will too. I do have some concerns about dating outside my race, but I think most people do whether they are aware of it or not.

 

Man, i do not even know where to start. :lol: :lol: :lol:

Firstly, there are three of many things i consider when dating women, regardless of race; compatibility, virtues and intellect. These things are fundamental to the well-being of myself and my partner. Race is the last thing i consider (if at all considered). Although in truth i have dated women who were not "black", it has no bearing on my racial preferences (not that i have one). On a whole, i tend to be attracted to non-black women and do not feel the need to defend my preferences.

Based on what i have gathered from you maiseycat, you were not really "attracted" to white men. You were forcing yourself to be conventional with what you were "expected" to do. Now do not get me wrong, i understand why. Being white in America is like playin a game; you break the rules and you have your gold taken away from you. As a white woman, you have an exclusive ascribed and achieved status which you must share with whites only and any consideration of anyone who isn't like you would warrant isolation and losing your "whiteness". And you are well aware of all that, which is why you "chose" to be attracted to white men. Now it might be that you really were attracted to white guys, which i sincerely do believe you did/do, but you, as do a lot of white women, were trying "not to break the rules". You were trying to fit in with the norm and given the America we live in, i honestly do not blame you.

However, the reason you gave for making such indiscernible choices are, pardon me but frankly, very childish and whilst not uncommon, are very revealing of your inferiority complex. Listen, i want to sugar-coat this as well as i can but i just cannot. I love to be honest with people, even if i might be leaning towards offending them. Now i understand that you love your dad and would do everything and anything to please him but the mere fact that, at certain age, you cannot take sole control of your own life speaks volumes of your inner character. You honestly did consider dating black men but because you know how racist your father is (pardon me), that was why you were trying your darnest not to be attracted to black men. I do not mean to be rude to your father and i apologize for all of this but your father is a potent racist and a compulsive liar. Nothing worse than a racist who cannot even make up his mind. Please, i am not buying the "shock value" bull. A word that has carried a demeaning, piercing, murderous connotation cannot be just for shock value; for God's sakes, get your old man to use his brains or lend him one. What's more annoying and pathetic, the fact that he leaps to the almost obsolete "I have black friends" defense is even more revealing for inconsistent rational thinking, if at all he did possess one. When you consider someone a friend, at least by dictionary definitions, the person is so close an trustworthy that they might as well become a family member. If you really like someone as a friend, why would you be afraid to allow them entrance into your family without trepidaton? Answer that yourself. Your father is a damn racist and you should tell him that to his fucking face.

However, in your defense (somewhat), i understand the societal pressures you, as a white woman, go through. Society demands that you interact with "your kind" only and in order not to lose your "whiteness" (God, i wouldn't either :lol, you shall do everything to protect that privilege. You have been raised in a monolithic view and to change that is no walk in the park. Now that you are older and have seen the world, your views are changing. You have seen that life is not as bleak as you have been thought and that blacks can be just as cultured (if not more) than whites.

Honestly, i do not thnk you are a bad person as such; you are only a product of your environment. I do not expect you to change 100% but i do think you need to be more assertive about who you are and stop the collective thinking. Think for yourself and not for others.

I wish you all the best of luck.

 

Masey, it sounds like you are a little lost...a little confused, and you don't know what you want. Well, that's understandable, I think we all go through that, no matter what colour we are. I think you need to sit down and have a long talk with your father. You know him better than I, but it might be a good idea to work out these racial issues before you bring a BM home, and subject him to that kind of dispicable behaviour. I doubt your dad would change his racist opinions--he is older, set in his ways, and he probably firmly believes he is right. if you brought a BM home, it sounds like he would go through the roof.

Anyway, to answer the original question you posted, no, I've never dated BM for any other reason than I was attracted to them.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

Maisycat,

I just gotta say this 'cause I believe it to be the truth.

Whites born in AMERICA are inherently racist. Race tinges everything and we get fed this shyte since childhood.

I'm an equal oportunity chica (at least I was) a hottie is a hottie, and for me either male or female, so I was open to all kinds of people and experiences.

But I will tell you this, when I got pregnant and realized that I would be having and raising a black child in AMERICA, I set out on a hard, in your face, soul searching, and tried to learn and grow and change those things in me.

And you know sometimes it's just the little things you would never have thought about previously. Here's a great example. I would get nervous when I would be out at night alone and a black guy walked by, totally irrational but I am like everyone else, a product to some extent, of my environment.

I conciously started to notice this and change it. And you want to know the real F'ckd part of it, I am most likely to be raped, killed, beaten by a WHITE man than a black man, hands down. So why the fear because that's what's society has fed me through images on the news, heck you'd think a wm never did anything other than a white collar crime watching the news.....

 

Thanks for all the food for thought. I don't have the time or energy right now (it's been a busy week w/work) to address your all comments like I want to. Just wanted to add: with my dad, I have tried to reason with him. I brought up the subject yesterday after hearing some things he'd said the day before that didn't sit well with me. Was struggling with how to approach it, but just took the bull by the horns. At one point, I flat out said just admit you're a racist. He continues to be defensive, said he picked it up from his dad, just like swearing (that he puts it in the same league as swearing is disturbing). He said that he made the comments jokingly to get a rise out of my mom (he kids her about watching HSN and claims one of the hosts is half-black and hiding it :roll. He says if I can't differentiate b/w that and using it hatefully, then that's my problem. I try to tell him that no matter where and in what context you say it it still puts down a whole race of people. He then accuses me of trying to instill my liberal ideals of political correctness down other people's throats. I tell him DAD, if you'd use that word in a crowd of whites, blacks, conservatives, liberals, atheists, Christians, 99% of people are going to be offended and go :shock:. He says he'd never say it in public so I shouldn't worry about that. Ugh, it makes my blood boil, honestly. It's one of the reasons why I can't wait to be out on my own again. I took a big chance by confronting him like that since I'm stuck living here for the time being and don't have anywhere else to go - adults really shouldn't live with their parents, esp. when they're on totally different wavelengths. When I was living on my own (hope to again really soon) it wasn't even an issue, but my parents are home all the time (my dad teaches in the evenings), my mom is a SAHM and constantly have their noses in by business.

 

Someone has been reading Tim Wise's essays :wink:

 

Maisey, racists, just like everyone else, don't like being told they're wrong, and they'll try to minimize and/or justify their behaviour. Don't let him get away with it! And just because he picked it up from his father doesn't mean he could break away from that cycle and choose to open his own mind. I'm glad you chose to open yours instead of adopting his beliefs.

 

Hey Maiseycat,
If I came off like a jerk I did not mean to.

Just for the record...

 

Truly LadzeesManChris,


I have never read one word of Tim Wise. Didn't know who he was until someone on another board I post quoted him on something. That is something that I came to. The conclusion based on my observations and just opening my eyes...

I also spent a lot of time self reflecting and my other board is a great place to hold yourself in front of, kind of like a mirror. The women there are not afraid to tell it like it is and if you have it in you to listen and learn, I think that is a great thing.

 

No, I didn't think you came off that way at all. I wanted some honest feedback, and that's what I got. I don't neccessarily agree with it all, but like AquaPeach said, I am a little confused lately - need to do some soul-searching. Doesn't help that I have work distractions going on in the background, so that needs taken care of before I can work on my personal life. Distractions are welcome sometimes!

 

Maiseycat, I agree. I love distractions. i love helping others with their problems because it gets my mind off my own. It's really a shame that i don't follow my own advice. :lol: But isn't that always the way?

 

whiteshedevil,

i remeber you from the other board too and have always had alot of respect for you. i havent seen you post there anymore though. wish you drop in again.

peace