Support- Acceptance

I would be interested, which feelings do you need or how long would it take, till you can accept a mans´/ a womans`support or present (in a romantic relationship)?

Examples:
- He/ She wants to go in holidays and wants to pay for the whole trip..
- He/ She comes with an expensive present .. ( jewelry/ car )
- He/ She wants to support and finance your business idea..

 

I accept all support (financial or otherwise). I am secure in my own self and finances to be able to accept someones generosity or gifts without having to attach baggage to it. I am also generous to a fault.

Sometimes I get burned for being too generous, but I would rather give from my heart than to be untrusting. Likewise, sometimes I have accepted presents and later found out the giver wanted something in return. I never accept anything I cant afford to give back.

 

I always had problems with accepting presents or support. It gives me the feeling of "being bought" or "feeling guilty". I don´t know, why I feel like this..
I need a lot of trust to jump over that imagination.

Men are many times insulted of this reaction, when I turn their support down..what I can understand.

 

I don't really have a specific amount of time. I will be honest that I do not take lavish gifts from women. Mostly do to the fact I figure there will be strings attached

 

Hi Christine,

In all your examples it would very much depend on our relative financial positions. I have a pretty good radar for women whose sole or primary motivation for entering/sustaining a relationship is financial gain for themselves alone. I'm the guy my friends call up and ask me to come out with them to 'check out' that girl.

I don't mind paying for the whole first date, so long as she at least contributes something to the second. If she is markedly less well-off I really wouldn't mind paying in full for every date after that. I have had times in my life when I've not had money, yes I concede back then I would have felt uncomfortable not contributing, in the same way that I'd feel uncomfortable if my male friends were buying beers and I was unable to buy a round. So I can understand if she feels awkward about not paying, and about feeling 'indebted'.

Holidays - I've had g/f's with whom I've holidayed and I've paid for pretty much the entire trip, flights/hotel/restaurants/taxis/ etc. Again, they didn't earn much compared to me so I didn't feel it was right they should pay. If a girlfriend wanted to pay for all my holidays, this again would depend on our respective finances - if she had the kind of money to go on holiday 5 times a year, for two-week stretches, and stay in 5* hotels, fine, she can pay everything! But if our finances were roughly equal, then no, I'd rather go 50/50.

Expensive presents - this would depend on how far we had committed. I've never been married, but I have been bought jewellery that cost a week of her take-home salary, and that was ok. A car - well, that's different. If she herself is wealthy then fine, but otherwise, I would be concerned if she splashed out for a brand new car for me on a Secretary's salary. If I mentioned how much miss an old car from the 80's/early 90's, and she buys me an old one as a 2nd vehicle to my main one, using a month of her salary, that's ok.

Business plan - no problem, as long as she has the cash to spare and the ability to understand the plan, how long the return will take, etc. It would be a very noble woman indeed who finances her mans business plan.

I hope that answers your questions. Again, all this is just for my own personal circumstances, but there are many people hugely richer and poorer than myself, as well as couples who are strongly mismatched financially, and you would have to adjust the elements in the above examples in accordance with your own circumstances.

 

Hey Jaybee, thank you for your reply.. I come back to you, later, I am travelling and just wait for my next flight.. I really have to think how to explain your question.. by the way, interesting that you speak german..

 

cooment sa va chistine du bois

 

Très bien, merci, mon ami..

 

Again, thank you, Jaybee, for the very detailed post. I was wondering, how people handle with support and presents.

For me, it is not easy to handle and mostly I make the wrong decision. My experience was in the past that mostly there are conditions attached in any support.

In a relationship: If you accept support too early, you seem as a gold digger, if you accept too late, you insult. You exclude your partner. If a man feels responsible for you and you tell him, "no, I don´t need you",it´s not a nice feeling for him.

When is the right time?

 

Erstens, dein englisch ist aber ganz ausgezeichnet!

I can tell you how it is in England, but as you know, customs vary between nations. Feel free to paste the following advice into a German language form for double-checking, but I'm pretty sure if you follow it, you will not go too far wrong. The way things stand now, if he seems wealthier or equally wealthy to you, just let him pay everything for the first date. Don't worry about being seen as an opportunist, do not order glaringly cheap food. Do not, on the other hand, order a magnum of Cristal if he is drinking Diet Coke in the nightclub!

Take your lead from him, that's the important thing to remember throughout the first evening. If he orders a glass of expensive Barolo in the restaurant, and you want the same, simply order it. We men, and I am absolutely certain the men on this forum will agree, still want to be seen as gentlemen, paying for the whole of the first date is a time-honoured tradition and a price we consider to be balanced by many, many other privileges of being a man.

But if you judge that he seems less wealthy than you, OFFER half for the first date - just take out your purse when the bill comes, open it, ask "Shall we go halves?", and again, be guided by him. If you do not have much money, be prepared to both pay half for a date, and for him to insist on paying - if he does, again, yield to his wish.

However, on the second date, offer to pay half, regardless of his financial status. If he is as wealthy or wealthier than you, INSIST AND PERSIST - but tell him he can get the next one (assuming you want there to be a next one!!), and pay. If he is markedly less wealthy, let him say "No!" once, smile and tell him he can get the next one, but if he repeats his refusal, yield.

After that, custom goes out of the picture, and it is entirely between you both who pays for what, with as much or as little discussion about the matter as feels natural. Personally I have no problems paying or being paid for, and I have to wonder about whether any man so insecure as to make YOU feel insecure about whether to pay is worth your time, attention and affection.

 

Vielen Dank für Deine Ehrlichkeit, aber auch für dein Kompliment..