Hmm...is this a common thing with white women?

Athena said:
Hi Jetset, regarding the title of your thread, no it's not common with ww. Maybe with abused women....

Although I am not a psychologist, I would suspect that a relationship with her may be challenging and likely drama-filled. If you are a fix-it kinda guy, she might be a good match. But your post has sent off alarm bells for me regarding her stability and if I were faced with a person like that, my first thought is - "you need a counsellor honey" (to the woman in question).
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I concur with Athena, the red flags are waving, you should highly consider leaving that woman alone. Sounds like a lot of work she needs to do to learn to share openly with a kind soul. In other words, she's crazy. lol "jokes n', jokes n'... spaghetti, spaghetti..."
 
I wonder what happened with Jetset..

This whole thread kinda made my skin crawl because I was abused by an ex BF who was a BM. If it wasn't for some very concerned friends contacting my family to get me the heck out of dodge, I'd be dead by now.

I am not exaggerating that point.

For Jetset, and any man who meets a woman like this (and this very much sounds like one of my first relationships after my ex), their first step should be counseling. However, no woman wants to hear she needs counseling. That's the tough part. She's gotta do it on her own, like I did. Although, maybe sitting down with her, taking her by the hands and saying 'I know you've been through something terrible. I can't pretend to know what that's like, but like with anyone who has gone through something terrible, it might do you some good to talk to someone about it.' She may not like to hear those words, but hey..it could save her life in the end.

Secondly, she's confused about what she wants and who she is. The man she loved to the end (and she did love him, and probably still does, to some extent- don't ask me to explain it, I never said it made sense) tried to kill her, and she probably feels a lot of guilt about that. Not to mention, with the physical abuse usually comes a lot of mental abuse, too. He probably made her think she was worthless, was as ugly as she could be, and she was lucky...LUCKY to have someone like him who would at least spend time with her and give her a little pickle tickle now and then.

I highly doubt she was just playing games...and I think lipstick said something about the abuse card being thrown around sometimes. Sad, but true..but there are ways to tell if it's legit. This girl sounds exactly like I did right after I got away from my ex. I was spinning in crazy circles- not wanting a relationship- wanting a relationship- being OMG attracted to a guy I was seeing to telling him we should cool it because I don't want to be used for sex. The poor guy didn't know which way was up, and I finally called it and said 'I'm not ready for this.' (and he wasn't that great for me, either, honestly).

It takes a really long time to recover from abuse- and I don't think you ever fully recover. There are times when I walk by someone wearing my ex's aftershave and I instantly freeze thinking he's going to come up behind me, grab me by the hair, and drag me across the floor as he did so many times. There was a time that seeing someone drink the beer he drank made me start to shiver in fear- crazy as that probably sounds....Although, those times are less and less these days- the beer thing, I don't even think about now.

But...it's been 3.5 years since I moved away from him. It takes time. OK. I'm done now. :neutral:
 
awwww grld massive hugs for you

i was in an abusive marriage, i didnt date for 3 years after i left him and did go thru councelling ( ex wasnt a bm, was an am )

i still cant take a compliment, bugged my ex that if he said i was beautiful i would instantly say im not

i also dont do well with physical contact early in a relationship ( am talking hugs here ) i will tense up and back off, my current partner if the hugging type, if im cooking then hes likely to be up behind me hanging on, something im used to these days and will accept readily

the girl in jets question might not be ready for a relationship, quite probebly does need councelling to get some closure over what happenned and there is the possibility she is testing him to see what hes going to do, weather he is as sweet as he seems or if hes the type where hes gonna flip the switch
 
Robina, hugs to you too! We survived, and that's what matters. :)

I do my best to talk about it now because I don't think there's much discourse about abuse, and that's a sad thing. I'm also finding that there's some sort of belief that it happens mostly between BM and WW. My one ex was a WM and he was just as much of a jerk as the BM who abused me, so I get frustrated by that. Abuse is abuse- its not limited to a race.

Anyway, I hope the girl that Jetset was dealing with got help. I'm not the person I was 3.5 years ago, that's for sure, and I wouldn't be where I am without the help of domestic violence counseling.
 
GrlDisappearing said:
Robina, hugs to you too! We survived, and that's what matters. :)

I do my best to talk about it now because I don't think there's much discourse about abuse, and that's a sad thing. I'm also finding that there's some sort of belief that it happens mostly between BM and WW. My one ex was a WM and he was just as much of a jerk as the BM who abused me, so I get frustrated by that. Abuse is abuse- its not limited to a race.

Anyway, I hope the girl that Jetset was dealing with got help. I'm not the person I was 3.5 years ago, that's for sure, and I wouldn't be where I am without the help of domestic violence counseling.
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I'm sad to hear about what happened to you, but I'm excited to hear about the fact that you have learned to distinguish "bad men" from "black men". Abuse can happen in any relationship regardless of your partner's race. I hate that you had to go through that, but I'm glad that you had the strength to rise above it. No man has the right to harm you in any way. If he feels that he has to go to that extreme he should let you go. This goes out to every woman that has been abused on this forum: I pray for your continued strength.
 
Jetset83 said:
Hi guys,

I have an situation I'd like to get some opinions on. I met this girl on Yahoo and things seemed good as we talked..for about a week or so before we hung out..we hung out at my place. I initiated the physical by kissing her and we proceeded to make out. Didn't go further because she wasn't feeling well. The 2nd time we hung out was at a show where I initiated contact by kissing/handholding etc. She was...seemingly receptive to all of it. The third time I we hung out I went to kiss her and she sort of turned her head. which weirded me out and kinda messed up the vibe for me..although we did kinda cuddle up while we were hanging out. She is a WW that exclusively dates BM, and she mentioned to me that she had been in an abusive relationship with her ex (he went to jail for trying to kill her) and she seems very passive/submissive.

She mentioned things like "you don't like me" or "you don't think I'm sexy" on numerous occasions where it's an issue where I've clearly made my interest known on a physical level and even telling her...and I get things back about being friends and what not..I'm clear and expressive enough and told her I wasn't looking for a friend and was looking for a situation with potential...and if thats not the case I have to look elsewhere..she seemed to take this hard and was really pushing to stay in the picture and even responded by saying "You can look elsewhere I won't be jealous."

I can see that obviously her perceptions of attraction and love are warped by her past abusive relationships and the guys she's been with being extremely aggressive. I'm wondering if it's worth it even trying to convince her that she can be liked/found attractive/possibly loved without being dominated and abused..or just look for a different situation...I like the girl..but I can't deal with alot of BS.
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Im new here and never really dated outside my race BUT women are women and people are people so I have to say RUN FORREST RUN.

she could be full of drama and trying to lure into some crazy sh&& or she needs help . whatever the case RUN because too much energy will be expended.
 
Jetset83 said:
Hi guys,

I have an situation I'd like to get some opinions on. I met this girl on Yahoo and things seemed good as we talked..for about a week or so before we hung out..we hung out at my place. I initiated the physical by kissing her and we proceeded to make out. Didn't go further because she wasn't feeling well. The 2nd time we hung out was at a show where I initiated contact by kissing/handholding etc. She was...seemingly receptive to all of it. The third time I we hung out I went to kiss her and she sort of turned her head. which weirded me out and kinda messed up the vibe for me..although we did kinda cuddle up while we were hanging out. She is a WW that exclusively dates BM, and she mentioned to me that she had been in an abusive relationship with her ex (he went to jail for trying to kill her) and she seems very passive/submissive.

She mentioned things like "you don't like me" or "you don't think I'm sexy" on numerous occasions where it's an issue where I've clearly made my interest known on a physical level and even telling her...and I get things back about being friends and what not..I'm clear and expressive enough and told her I wasn't looking for a friend and was looking for a situation with potential...and if thats not the case I have to look elsewhere..she seemed to take this hard and was really pushing to stay in the picture and even responded by saying "You can look elsewhere I won't be jealous."

I can see that obviously her perceptions of attraction and love are warped by her past abusive relationships and the guys she's been with being extremely aggressive. I'm wondering if it's worth it even trying to convince her that she can be liked/found attractive/possibly loved without being dominated and abused..or just look for a different situation...I like the girl..but I can't deal with alot of BS.
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perhaps you needed some Dentyne!
 
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