Parents with Dementia or Alzheimer's

Has anyone had to deal with a parent with dementia or Alzheimer's? Any tips or coping skills that helped you handle it? Any insight would be much appreciated.


My dad has been slowly going downhill for about 15 years now, and he has his good days and bad ones. He's having a lot more bad days lately.

My mother called me this evening freaking out and asking if I'd seen my dad. She said he'd taken off on his motorized wheelchair when she went to the kitchen to get him something to drink. There also happened to be a thunderstorm going on at that time.

She was hoping he'd gone to my house since he's been showing up over here a lot lately at random times. He's gotten into the habit of riding over here and banging on the door and windows with a hand-held grabber he uses to pick up aluminum cans with. My neighbor told me he showed up once when I was at work "banging on your house with a stick and yelling"...she also said he wasn't wearing pants, but I doubt that was the case (I hope not anyway). When he does catch me at home, he yells at me for not answering his knocking when I'm not home...

He's been on an aluminum can kick for a while now, and lately he's become obsessed with saving the can tabs for raising funds for children with cancer. I don't know if they still donate the money from those anymore, but if it makes him feel better to do it, good for him. Recently though, he's been mad at his neighbor for throwing out her cans. He says if she really loved her kids she wouldn't do that, and if one of them got cancer it would be her fault...he even told her as much when she got onto him for digging through her trash for cans.

There was also a time not long ago that he'd ride to the apartment complex where my brother used to live to look for cans...he kept trying to ride down into the drainage ditches to get cans and twice his chair fell over, and he couldn't get up. The first time a city employee saw him and helped him up, and the second time someone called 911 and an officer showed up to help him. He got it in his head he'd go to jail if it happened again, so he stopped doing it.

A recent development over the cans due to his neighbor's complaint and the complaint of a local car wash owner about my dad digging through their trash has prompted the city to pass an ordinance against it (the car wash owner evidently has some pull) has him riled up. An officer went to my parents' home today and told him about the new ordinance and to stop what he was doing, which pissed him off. After the officer left, my dad told my mother he didn't care what they said because he wasn't going to stop. It wasn't long after that he took off.

After looking all over the neighborhood and the park, we finally caught up with him all the way across town at the friggin' car wash digging through the trash!!!

My poor mother is worn out trying to deal with him, but he's not far enough gone that she can keep him from doing some of the things he does. Home health was helping out for a while, but he quit cooperating with them and threw them out. I wish I knew what to do to make it better for them. If days like today are this exhausting for me, I can only imagine how much harder it is on my mother.

The only good thing happening is that he sleeps a lot...of course he doesn't let my mother sleep at all. Sometimes he's super emotional and sappy, and at others he's mean and hateful. It's also gotten to the point where it's hard to understand what he's talking about a lot of the time. Seeing him like this is so hard, because he's not himself any more. I miss my daddy.

 

Thanks, man. I appreciate that. My mother has already had to deal with a similar situation with my grandpa years ago. He had been an alcoholic for almost 60 years, and he had a fall when he was in his 70s and went into serious withdrawal while in the hospital. He had a severe case of delirium tremens and alcohol related dementia...going from a case of Budweiser a day to nothing at all made his mind completely snap. He spent most of the last 10 years of his life in the psych ward of a nursing home.

Thanks so much, T. Watching them go through it is definitely heartbreaking. I dread the day when my dad doesn't recognize us. Seeing him digging through that garbage like a man mad freaked me out and knowing it will only get worse is so depressing.

Thanks, Cherokee. Much appreciated.

Thanks for the input and sharing your experience, Bug. It's not only hard to watch the loved one with the issue, but it's also painful to see the toll it takes on the person taking care oh him/her.

They did conclude that part of my dad's issues are stroke related...he's had several "mini-strokes" and they found back in November in the results of a CT scan that he'd had a stroke at some point. It's affected his speech, his vision, and he can't stand or walk on his own any more...his mobility would've improved if he'd been more cooperative with the therapy, but he refused to even try.

I'm not able to often, but I do try to Daddysit when I can. My son has also sat with him a few times while my mother and I have gone shopping or other places just to get her out of the house for a bit. I just wish we could do more. Even though she had a similar situation with her own dad, she was a lot younger then and she didn't have to do it on her own. The weariness and stress are taking their toll on her body and mind as well.

Although she's expressed a few times that he may be better off in a home, she just can bring herself to do it at this point.

Thanks, FG. I appreciate the the support.




Thanks for the responses, everyone. The thoughts, prayers, hugs, and encouragement are so much appreciated. I also appreciate those of you who've been there for sharing your experiences and input with me. My heart goes out to all of you as well. Much love to all of you!!! :freehug:

 

You are so right about how much it hurts to see them lose themselves. I never would have pictured my parents ending up like this, and it is extremely painful. The situation has them both getting old before their time, and they're too young to be old...my mother is 63 and my dad will be 63 next month. I still have trouble wrapping my mind around that.

We try to do what we can. I also let my mother come to me to vent when she needs to. It's not easy to hear, but I know it helps her a lot.

I appreciate the love and respect...right back at you.


As for the police's approach to the situation, yes it stinks, but it's better than I would have expected from them. Thanks to some of my younger brothers' and some no-account relatives' reputations, the local police don't think too highly of our family. I'm surprised they gave him a verbal warning rather than slapping him with a ticket, which is something I would expect from them. I just hope he heeds the warning, so it doesn't become an issue for them to harass him over.

He's not as angry over it as he was...he's feeling pretty mopey and sad at the moment. I know the whole thing has hurt his feelings, and it took something away from him that he actually enjoyed. Hopefully he'll soon find something else to keep his attention, and hopefully whatever it is will be easier on my mother.

 

I hope that's what they're doing. Common sense isn't too common with these small town cops. lol I hope they leave him alone.


Thank you. I feel for him too...before he got sick he was a hard-working man and a great provider for his family, and he took great pride in that. Now he barely even make it to the bathroom on his own. I'm sure he did feel like he had a purpose and wanted to find as many cans as he could to help those kids. For the last several months it's been all he could talk about.

My mother told me he sent her to sell all of the cans today to get rid of them, and he had her break down his little work station and throw everything away (she just put everything away). He says he's done with the whole thing and will never pick up another can. He's also refusing to eat right now.

I'm trying to encourage him to come over for a visit tomorrow when I get home from work...he says no, but I hope he changes his mind. Hopefully a visit will perk him up a bit.

I know there used to be places that donated the money paid for the can tabs to children with cancer, but I'm not sure if any of them around here are still doing it. There's probably a good chance it's still happening.

 

Thanks, Mama, I appreciate it. Love you too. :freehug:

 

The city council made a deal of sorts with my dad. They decided they'd allow him to dig for all the aluminum cans he wants at the city park as long as he leaves residential and business trash cans alone.

He'd gotten so down he kept saying he wanted to die, and he was taking things out on my mother more than usual. Now he's "happy" again for the moment.

 

I'm glad she had you there to help out. I'm sure that made a big difference.

Yeah, I was surprised they did that for him. Like most places (Houston evidently a good example), this town is run by assholes. I'm glad they were willing to compromise; it's not like he was hurting anything.

I'm sorry about your grandmother and for the pain the experience gave you. :freehug: I appreciate the advice about cherishing the moments I have with him. It's tempting sometimes to avoid going over there since it's so painful to see what's happening to him, but I need to remember that it's not about me and that he needs me...even when he doesn't know he does. It's like you lose them once when the get sick and then again when it's their time to go, and sometimes it feels like too much to take. I guess the important thing is to keep hanging in there.

 

Thanks, Bug. That he is...he's even been somewhat nice to my mother the last few days. lol