question about my rltnshp

:smt045

 

I agreed with you up until the end. Why are we SUPPOSE to pay for everything? I seriously don't mind doing that especially for my girl because when I'm in a relationship I'm naturally generous that's just how I'm built but I hate the idea that in order to keep a relationship going I'm suppose to do anything. Its one thing if they went dutch and now she has to pay but if the case was he was paying the whole time and now she has to I don't see it as a warning sign as much as a sign of the times. Women are more than capable of paying for themselves and their man from time to time.
And the whole her sending out resume thing sounds weird to me, I want to see if he asked or she took upon herself to do so and now feels resentful because its one more thing she didn't want to have to do but did it anyway. She comes across as a self imposed victim a little. Making decisions she didn't want to in the first place then complaining about it afterwards as if someone made her do it. Also part of the reason why I want to know how old they are. Youth can be a fucker at times.

 

I agree. I was married (soon to be divorced, so probably not the best counselor on relationships, LOL) and with my ex for 8 years and our finances were always separate. I have found that a relationship can weather bumps in the road like this best when each partner is responsible for themselves, period. That way he can shoulder the responsibility of finding a new job and staying afloat himself. The relationship should (to the extent possible) be about enjoying each other's company, not carrying each other's loads.

I know that sounds overly simplistic, but I have found it to be a pretty good way to orient oneself. Make any financial support brief. A relationship is impossible without mutual respect and self-respect on the part of each person.

 

I never suggested a woman wasn't capable of doing A,B, or C

Like I said,

I'm old school man. I believe it is incumbent upon a man to prove to a woman that he is worth her time and attention. I can't even go out with a friend without paying...simply not in me.

...let alone my LADY. You might go dutch with someone on you are kicking with and cool with, but not your lady (IMO) of course...

...lastly I already said it, she knows what she SHOULD she is seeking affirmation and validation.

 

I guess I'm new school because the idea of equality and fairness have been hammered into my head since childhood. Like I said I don't mind it I actually like take caring of someone I love but the idea its expected always bugged me. And why on earth should you have to prove anything my friend? You're time is equally as valuable if not more so because time you spend with these strangers could be spent with your kids but you're taking a gamble both financially and time wise so I don't see why you have to prove a thing. I've always asked what's their obligation to us. I get we're "suppose" to be gentlemen and show them a good time but real talk in a world where there are less eligible men and far too many eligible women I do think we deserve more. Just saying...

You're also right about her knowing what to do. I just hope if life ever puts her in a disadvantageous situation and someone leaves her I hope she's understanding.

 

I don't think a man should necessarily pay for a woman all the time. That's a little too prehistoric for me. But I do believe that each person should be able to stand on their own two feet alone. Then, they can come together as equals. That has just been the type of relationship that works best in my experience. But again, I'm headed to divorce court so I'm certainly no authority, LOL.

 

Why is it ending?

 

Facebook. LOL

 

Seriously, though, she fell in love with a guy from her home country on Facebook. However, the relationship was troubled for a long time. She needed way more attention than I had time to give, with work, grad school, etc. I'm an only child and way too independent for her (oldest of 3 sisters, from a very close-knit family unit). We each stepped out once during periods of quasi-separation, so she finally just asked for her walking papers. My only beef with that was the fact that she asked 3 weeks into 1L.

 

Was that a jab at me if so good one fam lol

 

Nah, man, serious. She started on Human Pets.com and Facebook and met this guy on one of the discussion threads there.

 

Damn I'm sorry fam. That sucks. Did she cheat or was the fb the extent of it?

My last gf who stalks me on the forum from time to time got mad because I commented on a girl's picture on fb

 

Humanpets.com?

As in...



????

 

LOL!!! Totally serious. URL

Facebook even de-coupled the site from its dating apps because it was getting negative press.

 

Oh yeah. But in all fairness, she got hooked on the dude online first, then asked for the divorce and after I moved out, she booked a flight to hook up with him. She just needed attention and in all fairness, I didn't have the time to deal with that level of need. As long as she doesn't obstruct my access to my son (which happens on occasion) I don't have any issue with it.

 

Well damn this post has certainly taken on a life of its own. I'm 29, he's 32, I make a decent amount of money in my career and I make more than my bf did when he had his manager job. I didn't care about that because he was taking care of his business and I've been taking care of mine.

I don't pay his car note or rent and as I said in my original post we put our mobile bills together for which we've not yet received our first bill. The cat business is ridiculous; we went into it talking about doing it together and now I'm the one doing all the work and I'm pissed. I DID NOT write my bf's resume; I put "I posted a resume on monster.com" in quotes in my original post because it was not me saying it, it was my boyfriend. That is how quotations work; you quote something someone else says! Any adult in here understands that posting on monster is not actively looking for a job, and that was the point of that statement.

I'm a jackass for getting into this thing too soon and I'm totally getting what I had coming to me. A lot of you may not understand: there will come a time in your life where you have your education, job, house life together and your next step will be finding that other person and it feels awful when you don't. I thought I'd lucked out and found that person to share my life with and I became over-excited and made rash decisions in the name of love.

Right after my original post I went to see the doctor about foot pain and had last-minute emergency surgery on my toe. I spoke with my bf and we went right back to arguing and I got the whole "you don't support me" speech even though I had a temperature from infection and was in searing pain from the surgery. I'm just. Done. I'm done.

 

Well good luck kid. Btw I'm in Atlanta next week so.....
#vultureflow

 

There is no reason to put your "shoulds" on anyone, neither should any one push their "shoulds" on you. "Shoulds" represent ideals. Ideals are about your values. What you value and how you explain away the world.

I think the bump in the road is where there is a conflict with what you value and what seems to be your reality at the moment. For someone else, what seems to be a big deal for you would be something they would gladly be willing to accommodate. It is different strokes for different folks. Value judgments get to weigh heavily on how we interpret people's actions.

I think it would be fair on your boyfriend to let him know the resentment phase has now arrived in the relationship and would be proper to ask for some time out, and not hang on to the things you like about him. For it would create so many difficulties and heartaches in future for you both.

At the moment, you resent the things you are doing and it is self guilt that is making you commit to these little pet projects. One a cat, and the other enlistment on a bill that your b/f now has to prove he is financially responsible. If he has to prove this, and he succeeds, in future he might likely resent you for making him go through these moments of conviction on the idea that you could not give a benefit of doubt without him persuading you.

Both of you have started tackling knotty subjects, and now swimming in a sea that reflects the real world when the romantic phase is over. There are many issues that could put strains on relationships, majorly they include finances, cheating, ambition/career goals, children and extended family.It seems you now having to deal with one or two of those. How you put these things in perspective will depend on your values, and already there seems to be a comma (pause), on how you feel at the moment.

If you asked for my "shoulds," I would say, I would not impose my should on a man. If I don't like his choices, and I have started to resent him, I would tell him, call it quits, and move on. I would not call use an adjectives such as trifling to describe his friend, neither would I impose my values on him. His trifling friend might have historical ties that has seen its share of mutual benefits. If I start to feel guilty,then it is time to walk and allow fate play a role in his life rather take on any burden grudgingly.

It might be time to do you if that is what you value without feeling guilty about it. You have to exercise your locus of control, which incidentally seems to revolve around your self benefits.

 

That right there is the deal breaker.
Welcome back, CSB

 

Put yourself in his shoes, and tell us what youd want your woman to do