Are you willing to negotiate monogam

MrFantastic said:
It might not have anything to do with anything you're doing or not doing it might be our urge for variety. Female mammals generally don't have the same level of need for a variety of partners the way men do. I know its something that will be dismissed as poor self control or immaturity like most things male oriented but its something to consider. A lot if not most dudes don't cheat because they're unhappy, that's generally a female trait, they just do it because its be hard wired into our dnas for eons to seek variety. I know we have the ability to ignore our urges but its one of those things women in general don't have to deal with so its our problem to deal with alone.
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but some of us females DO want variety. I will admit monogamy is VERY HARD for me. It wasn't when I was married for 20 and younger, but now HELL yes it is. What keeps me faithful is that this is now the third time around with my BF and we decided together we are happier together than apart. I was unfaithful and he forgave me. However, the temptation is still there when a hot guy hits on me. It took a while to get back together, and it is still a work in progress. When I was not with him, my rule of thumb was unless we have the talk and agree we are both free agents. Now, I know that I love him and know the pain I caused and will never do that again. I will agree with Tam that it was selfish, but not completely. I had moved on too fast and still had feelings for an ex and that is who I cheated with.

I also grey area cheated in my marriage. My ex husband was deployed for 18 months and cheated. I asked for a divorce when he returned and got busy with someone else. We were apart, but still legally bound and he broke the vow first. I consider that grey area was he broke the bonds of matrimony first.
 
MrFantastic said:
It might not have anything to do with anything you're doing or not doing it might be our urge for variety. Female mammals generally don't have the same level of need for a variety of partners the way men do. I know its something that will be dismissed as poor self control or immaturity like most things male oriented but its something to consider. A lot if not most dudes don't cheat because they're unhappy, that's generally a female trait, they just do it because its be hard wired into our dnas for eons to seek variety. I know we have the ability to ignore our urges but its one of those things women in general don't have to deal with so its our problem to deal with alone.
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I get what is being said here and to some extent agree with it.However we live with a certain social structure and the question men need to ask themselves is "would they be ok with their woman seeking sexual variety?" if the answer is yes well all right.If not then there is the age old double standard operating.
 
bosoxlady said:
but some of us females DO want variety. I will admit monogamy is VERY HARD for me. It wasn't when I was married for 20 and younger, but now HELL yes it is. What keeps me faithful is that this is now the third time around with my BF and we decided together we are happier together than apart. I was unfaithful and he forgave me. However, the temptation is still there when a hot guy hits on me. It took a while to get back together, and it is still a work in progress. When I was not with him, my rule of thumb was unless we have the talk and agree we are both free agents. Now, I know that I love him and know the pain I caused and will never do that again. I will agree with Tam that it was selfish, but not completely. I had moved on too fast and still had feelings for an ex and that is who I cheated with.

I also grey area cheated in my marriage. My ex husband was deployed for 18 months and cheated. I asked for a divorce when he returned and got busy with someone else. We were apart, but still legally bound and he broke the vow first. I consider that grey area was he broke the bonds of matrimony first.
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Thats why I said generally. I know some women feel that way but it seems like more often than not most women are content with just one man especially if everything like family and work are going ok. The world could be as right as rain but most men want variety.
 
Annabel said:
I get what is being said here and to some extent agree with it.However we live with a certain social structure and the question men need to ask themselves is "would they be ok with their woman seeking sexual variety?" if the answer is yes well all right.If not then there is the age old double standard operating.
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I would be ok I just wouldnt want to see it my ego can't take it.
 
MrFantastic said:
Lets say 8 years down the road then, you started off hot and heavy but he one day says I'm not as turned on by you as I once was do you think we can consider an open relationship. And another thing I want to bring up is sex always seems to be a problem for couples but I do notice a distinct double standard when women don't want to do it and when men don't want to do it. Its seems like a lot of women want complete control over that aspect of the relationship.
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If he loses interest and can't regain it, then we have a serious issue and need to discuss options then. But I won't stay married and look for an open relationship. Just not my thing. I'd rather be completely free.
 
Tamstrong said:
You asked the question as to whether or not we'd be willing to negotiate monogamy & as I already said, my answer is "hell no".

In any relationship I'm part of, it would be cheating because monogamy is a requirement for me; therefore sex with anyone outside of that partnership would be cheating.

Vows exist for a reason & a person needs to make damn sure they're ready to honor them before they agree to them. Otherwise they aren't ready to get married.

Even if the desire to fuck around hits them 10 years later, it doesn't mean they should act on it. They should have enough love, honor, respect & self-control to do right by the person they vowed to be true to.

I'm not asking anyone to agree with me; I'm just telling it like it is the way I see it. That's the way it is for me & there's nothing that could change my mind about it.
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This is called the sanctity of marriage....and I agree 100% with you Tam...there are no values anymore with so many couples, which is very sad, but I know I want to be ready for eternity and for me, part of that means monogamy in my marriage...
 
Bookworm616 said:
The problem with marriage is NOT the institution of marriage. It's the flawed people entering into said marriage. The divorce rate is so high because most people can't/won't deal with a lot of tough situations to work through them. Many of those divorces happen because one or both lacked the maturity, the fortitude, and the commitment to face their issues head-on and try to work through them before throwing in the towel.

And I'm so tired of seeing "we're mammals, we're not meant for monogamy". Whatever. It's just a person looking for an excuse to not stay committed to one person, because that would require more work than they're willing to put into it.
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I really believe that a lot of people won't even allow themselves to consider the possibility that it's not a lack of maturity, but a simple disapproval and resentment of what marriage and monogamy asks of the human race. Yet they feel forced into the situation as it is what is expected of us as people in order to conform to modern society; another requirement of higher social status.

Personally I'm really starting to resent how in our society people will try to make you feel like an outcast for wanting things out of life that go against the grain. This is nothing new of course, it's the way society has evolved. We all have these rules that we are SUPPOSED to follow, but if you want something else, well then your the oddball. This isn't necessarily related to the topic at hand, though it does apply.
 
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whikle said:
There is a middle ground, you know. People who enter polyamorous relationships aren't automatically sex crazed maniacs lacking in morals/self-discipline, or weak minded people who can't handle commitment. The idea of negotiated monogamy comes about because people DO want to be in loving, committed, serious relationships but are willing to re-negotiate centuries old social norms.
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Whiks post is exactly what I'm talking about, though more specifically pointed at Polyamory. Like how people have these really odd views of mormons who live their lives by the true principle of their religion. In a country where one of our founding laws was the freedom of religion, its completely illegal to follow the principle (plural marriage) in all 50 states???
 
RRoyce55 said:
I really believe that a lot of people won't even allow themselves to consider the possibility that it's not a lack of maturity, but a simple disapproval and resentment of what marriage and monogamy asks of the human race. Yet they feel forced into the situation as it is what is expected of us as people in order to conform to modern society; another requirement of higher social status.

Personally I'm really starting to resent how in our society people will try to make you feel like an outcast for wanting things out of life that go against the grain. This is nothing new of course, it's the way society has eveolved. We all have these rules that we are SUPPOSED to follow, but if you want something else, well then your the oddball. This isn't necessarily related to the topic at hand, though it does apply.
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I have to spread rep around, but this is exactly what I was getting at. There's so much harsh judgement on people who dare to challenge social norms, but if you really stop and think about it, is it REALLY bad, or is it just that you're conditioned to believe it's bad?
 
whikle said:
I have to spread rep around, but this is exactly what I was getting at. There's so much harsh judgement on people who dare to challenge social norms, but if you really stop and think about it, is it REALLY bad, or is it just that you're conditioned to believe it's bad?
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YES!!

Whiks, I'll rep him for you...cause I'm totally with you.
 
whikle said:
I have to spread rep around, but this is exactly what I was getting at. There's so much harsh judgement on people who dare to challenge social norms, but if you really stop and think about it, is it REALLY bad, or is it just that you're conditioned to believe it's bad?
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Really? I said the same exact thing. You people disgust me lol
 
MrFantastic said:
I would be ok I just wouldnt want to see it my ego can't take it.
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Well then, I would say you really wouldn't be ok with it, just from your own words, "my ego can't take it." You just contradicted yourself. It's ok, I wouldn't be ok with it either. We should just admit the ladies have a point with that one.

Athena said:
If he loses interest and can't regain it, then we have a serious issue and need to discuss options then. But I won't stay married and look for an open relationship. Just not my thing. I'd rather be completely free.
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I guess I never really consider the possibility of hitting that point in a serious relationship. If that was ever the case, well the only true resolution would be to consider going your separate ways. How could I stay married to someone you don't still go ga-ga over. I can't even imagine.


MrFantastic said:
Lets say 8 years down the road then, you started off hot and heavy but he one day says I'm not as turned on by you as I once was do you think we can consider an open relationship. And another thing I want to bring up is sex always seems to be a problem for couples but I do notice a distinct double standard when women don't want to do it and when men don't want to do it. Its seems like a lot of women want complete control over that aspect of the relationship.
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Like I said before, if that situation comes around, for all parties involved, I would think that's the beginning of the end of a marriage.

bosoxlady said:
treat us well out of the bedroom, we will treat you well in the bedroom
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Andrae did make a great point about women using sex as a weapon. Straight truth. Your post kind of reinforces that idea, doesn't it?
 
RRoyce55 said:
Well then, I would say you really wouldn't be ok with it, just from your own words, "my ego can't take it." You just contradicted yourself. It's ok, I wouldn't be ok with it either. We should just admit the ladies have a point with that one.



I guess I never really consider the possibility of hitting that point in a serious relationship. If that was ever the case, well the only true resolution would be to consider going your separate ways. How could I stay married to someone you don't still go ga-ga over. I can't even imagine.




Like I said before, if that situation comes around, for all parties involved, I would think that's the beginning of the end of a marriage.



Andrae did make a great point about women using sex as a weapon. Straight truth. Your post kind of reinforces that idea, doesn't it?
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I think you misunderstood me fam. I just don't want to see it but I think I would be ok with it. Sex in my opinion gets way too much credit in a relationship. What keeps couples together for decades has far more to do with trust and companionship which can something totally seperate from sex. I'm not a swinger so I'm not cool with the visual of someone having sex with my woman but i'm ok with the knowledge of it. Our desires can't be ignored and I don't want being with me to be restrictive for the person I'm with. Like I said before we only get this one life and it should be lived to it's fullest as long as it doesn't effect your ability to provide for your family.
 
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