question about my rltnshp

Hello everyone, I haven't posted for some time in here. I hope all is well. Anyhow, I've been seeing someone since the end of February. He is the first "nice guy" I've seriously dated as an adult. Things kind of moved quickly between us when we first met, and I chalked it up to the fact that we are both settled in our lives. I am doing well in my career and own a home, and he seemed stable at the time. We began planning vacations and talking about possibly getting married.

A month and a half into our rltnshp he lost his job as a store manager. The circumstances around his firing were carelessness on his part with the store keys and calling out last minute to help a trifling friend of his. I was very understanding and have been there for him. He was in a bad car accident last year and then laid off from a 50K per year job, of which he is now suing for wrongful termination because they did it after he returned from a hospital stay for his accident.

It has gotten very stressful in our relationship. I am tired of paying for everything and am now feeling turned off sexually. I don't feel that he's been trying hard enough to find another, good job ("I put a resume on Monster.com") and he's really been depending on this settlement money from his lawsuit which the lawyer keeps pushing back. He had an informal interview scheduled for a new job and the same trifling friend who played a factor in his being fired wanted a ride that same day and made my bf late for his interview. As a result, the new job has been putting him off, saying they still haven't processed his background check. When I talk to him about these things he says I'm not being supportive, he's going through a rough patch, and he wishes I'd known him when he was doing well in his former career.

I've found myself feeling a great amount of guilt over this and doing things I don't feel comfortable with. I let him on my phone plan which was more of a financial benefit to him than me. I could release him from my account at any time, but I still felt weird about it. I told him this and he said he wanted to prove to me he was financially responsible; we've not gotten our first bill yet so I can't say if that is true. He mentioned getting a cat together, even though I already have a grown cat. I said at first I didn't want one, and there was no point since he didn't live with me and only I would be taking care of it. I felt bad again and agreed to get this kitten that's kind of a pain in my ass right now.

There is a lot of good in my bf, and I've felt he's treated me better than any other man I've been with. He is very sweet and is always there when I need him. He's supportive and has a lot of good mate qualities but I need someone who is financially stable, responsible, and takes responsibility for his actions. I had an ex who used to say "romance without finance is a goddamn nuisance" and I'm really feeling that right now.

Please, give me your opinions; what do you think I should do?

 

I do think that it's important to be supportive and obviously you've done that and have reached or neared your breaking point. Clearly it is hard for him having been fired and being unemployed and getting constantly rejected for jobs is depressing.

I would sit him down and have a serious talk with him and explain that while you support him emotionally, supporting him financially is negatively affecting you. Is he claiming unemployment? If not and he's eligible, he needs to be. Offer to help him look for jobs(putting a cv on monster is not enough, you do have to actively search). In your current financial situation, it is not smart to take on a new pet, I would tell him you're not able to feed another mouth and that if he wants a pet it will have to wait until he is bringing in a stable income. Offer him your help and support, but make it clear you aren't going to fund his lifestyle and that he needs to contribute financially and that while you are having to pay for both of you he needs to be actively seeking work and trying to improve things for both of you. Put your foot down, he's had long enough to get there on his own and he's an adult who needs to take responsibility. At the moment by letting him live life exactly as he did while working(getting a cat, paying his phone bill, etc), you are enabling him, he has no reason to change. I'm not saying he's taking advantage, but it's easy to get slack if you have no reason to do something.

I don't for a second think it's ok to ditch someone because they're struggling financially or having trouble finding a job(take the rough with the smooth!), but your boyfriend is not making any effort to improve the situation and it is negatively affecting you. Do you think he might be suffering from depression? That's often the reason for lack of effort in these situations. If he is, then suggest he sees a doctor. It's hard when you get fired/laid off and depression is easy to fall into and hard to climb out of, but not working won't help him get over it if he is.

Good luck, I hope your boyfriend realises what a star you are

 

Hi CS, great to see you again

This is a tough question, do you realistically see him shaping up and getting a decent job or any job for that matter in the NEAR future? In your heart, do you feel that this really is just a rough PATCH or is this his true self shining through?

Every relationship, as you know, has rough moments where one partner leans on the other, the key here is for you to know that this is temporary. If your spidey senses are telling you otherwise, time to reconsider getting serious with him. Unless you enjoy supporting him which, by your post, I gather you don't.

Also, he needs let this trifling friend take care of him/herself - as he/she sounds like a bit of a drain on your man and his life.

 

He's dead weight.

 

Your validation of the relationship can only come from you. I think we rely on to any people for advice, we are different people, and the slightest differences can effect our decision making process. If you are not happy with decisions he makes, then you need to do something about it (whether that includes dissolution of the relationship or not). It is difficult to maintain a relationship where both partners are not generally moving in the same direction throughout your journey in life together (you both can desire to be married, have children together, make lots of money together, but if your ways of getting there are so vastly different, you will have a much more difficult time getting there).

 

Simply put.

 

Hmm, tricky. I can’t tell you what to do as my tolerance levels and ideals may be different from yours so I’ll just raise some questions…

The two of you have only been dating 3 months, so you’re still very much in the honeymoon phase. Way too early to sensibly talk about marriage IMHO, which says what about your relationship or the stage it’s at?

Realistically, if he got a good job tomorrow, does he tick the boxes for you as far as an ideal partner goes?

He got himself fired; does he accept responsibility for that?

Why isn’t he trying very hard to get a job? Have you discussed this with him? It’s lovely that you helped with putting the CV on Monster.com, but why didn’t he do it?

He says you’re not being supportive; has he explained what he needs from you to feel supported, and can you/do you want to deliver that?

Does he accept his friend is a serious problem which he needs to sort out?

Is he happy that you pay for everything? Have you told him you’re not happy paying for everything?

He wanted a “together” pet even though you don’t live together!? That makes no sense. You felt unable to stand up to him and tell him that was a bad idea, so do you know the reasons for that?

One thing that strikes me is perhaps there’s a lack of communication; do you think there is or can the two of you really talk about the uncomfortable stuff?

I agree that financial stability is important in a long term relationship, so is this just a bad patch for him or do you think he’s showing his true colours? Personally I find him wanting the kitten more worrying that him losing the job, because that does show a lack of common sense and perhaps shows he’s not living in the real world.

Ultimately though you know him so only you can decide what’s best for you. If you think he’s worth persevering with then stick around and see if things improve. But have a heart to heart with him so the resentment doesn’t grow.

 

Lots of good advice. I have to ask about you intertwining your finances a few months in and now it's an issue. I think you moved too fast in a lot of areas and it is adding to the strain. You need to work those things out if the relaionship is to survive.

 

Agreed.

 

Hey CSbean, nice to hear you again, although I would have wished, you would feel better..

You write all your answers by yourself, I think. Your man makes you feel guilty- the reason to be still with him and to support him. This phenomen works many times with women, we don't want to be the bad girl.

In generell I am always a big defender of "staying together in good and bad times", and I would advice you that, if I would see signs of depressions. But as you write, I don't see them. Your man isn't depressed, he just could experience the easy life and he doesn't want to give it up. That's how I could read your post.

Everybody has good and bad facettes, the ones that impress you mostly, attract you to that person, but the ones, who are most important for you and that you don't get, makes you loosing your respect of him. And if that happens, you both lost. Without respect there is no love.

Wish you a wise decision and take care

 

You spoke of "for better or worst" but now that he can't provide or at least go dutch, you don't want him.

Interesting.

 

Apparently him being sweet and supportive don't matter that much to you or isn't as important as his financial situation.
Overall this sounds like a case of too little foundation to support a house scenario. You haven't been with him long enough to want to weather anything yet. So I suggest just cutting your loses right now and save you and him future heartache.
I can tell you want to live a certain way and thats as important as how you're treated. I'm not suggesting that finances matter most to you but it sounds like you want to live a certain lifestyle and it doesn't seem possible with your current bf.

 

Don't get it twisted fam. The new saying is I'm in it for better not for worst for richer not for poorer. All that we're in it together stuff died with our grandparents. We're too spoiled and want everything now and will damned if we let anyone stand in the way of that.
I even see it in this particular thread where these women so far make it sound like she's paying homeboy's rent and car note when in fact she's paying for a cell phone bill she agreed to and a cat she agreed to. And unless he's demanding lobster dinners nightly just a few movies and some coffees because that's what dating mostly is in this day and age.

 

red = warning signs

And the answer to all of your questions is in your questions. You actually already know what you SHOULD do, no you just need to grown-ass-woman courage to do it.

Were you married it would be different, but you aren't. You are taking care of a dude like a damn teenager.

 

Can someone please explain how Shea taking care of him

 

I ain't saying she's taking care of dude, but she's doing WAY to much.

...she filling around resume's for dude
...she's paying for everything they do
...got a grown ass man on her phone plan
...dude is added pets he knows his ass can't pay for
...he lots his job over something silly (you calling off for some other idiot...taking food off your own table)...that right there shows what I have talked about often. The inability to make wise choices.


...this is what wife does, this is some more of that "might as well be" married bs.

 

Her putting out his resumes makes no sense unless she's better at doing them just like I'm better at doing taxes so I ended up doing them for all my exes. My choice not their fault or any bad reflection them.
I chose to do it so I shouldn't resent them for it.
As far as the cell phone is concerned again her choice why agree to it only to start bitching before the bill comes. No one twisted her arm.
Agreeing to get a pet she can't afford again her fault not his. She has a voice use it.
The paying for everything part annoys me because we rarely if ever see this as negative when a man is doing it especially if he makes more so why is it a negative now? And they've only been dating for a few months so what does everything consist of? A few movies and a dinner? Or is she more upset that a certain lifestyle she planned out won't be easily maintained? If so I suggest she step up her game financially or just dump dude and be done with it but make no mistake the common denominator in this equation is her decisions.

 

Fair is fair both ways.

 

Ok fair enough. In just curious how things were when they first got together before he lost his job.

 

Dude....a grown ass man needing his "girl friend" to force find his damn self a job? Nahh bruh. Help designing a resume...I can see. When I was putting together my resume I made sure anyone that knew more than me check it out.......but having someone submit a resume for me. Nahh brutha. that's a warning sign

Having a woman pay my cell bill...FOR REAL. I think its silly when men pay a woman's bill, so you KNOW I'm going to call it when a man is having a woman pay his way. that's a warning sign

Paying for everything. You won't see it as a negative when a man is doing it because that is what men do. A man having his woman pay? that's a warning sign

she need to dump dude.