My life literally was turned upside down on Wednesday night.
My drink was spiked when I was in a club and I was beaten and raped twice by someone I knew and trusted. The only reason I got away is because the neighbour heard my screams and I managed to sneak out when he fell asleep in the other room. The police found me on the street when I was running away. Ever since I've been in and out of police stations and hospitals. The guy is remanded for now but I'm not sure if he'll be released before trial. The evidence is really strong and the case looks good but I'm still very nervous. This has just put everything in perspective for me, things that seemed such a big deal before seem so pointless now. Luckily most of my injuries are superficial but I've had to get stitches on my foot because I 'degloved' my big toe as I was running away. My head is just crazy right now - partly I feel disgusting and dirty, partly feeling like somehow this is my fault, partly feeling sorry for the guy being locked up (WTF?!) and partly want to beat him with a baseball bat. I want to talk to him, I want him to tell me why he did this to me but I know there's no point in that. I've just totally lost my trust in people which is sad because before I was the most trusting (although verging on naive) person ever. Life goes on though, I'm just lucky I'm here. I'm just scared for the trial, I know rape trials are tricky but the police said they've not seen a case with as much evidence before and there are two witnesses which is very rare plus medical exams and the blood all over his apartment is kinda proof. I'll let everyone know how things go.
LS, I hear you. I can empathize. I was beaten and raped by the best friend of one of my good friends when I was 16.
I just want you to know that you are not alone. It feels that way, and those mixed feelings you have are a pretty normal response. I'm a trusting person, too, and it's been that way to my detriment more than once.
Rape trials are difficult. I would suggest that you absolutely get a counselor and a trusted friend. The counselor can help you where your friend cannot, and your friend can be there to hold you and let you cry when your counselor cannot.
Trust me when I say, there was *nothing* and I do mean NOTHING that you did that you need to feel guilty about. Being trusting is not a fault, especially if it is someone that you knew- you had no reason not to trust them. Remind yourself every day that it wasn't your fault- because it wasn't. Remind yourself every day that you are a beautiful, strong, wonderful woman who will make it through this. I know you will. But please, do not try to do it alone.
I hope you can surround yourself with family and friends that you trust right now. You will need them. You will need to tell them what you need from them, just as much as they will need you to tell them.
Take care of yourself...and if there's anything that I can do- lend an ear or whatever- my e-mail address is in my WWBM profile. Also, this is a link for an online rape and sexual abuse survivor message board. I used to spend quite a bit of time on here, and I know many others who have found solace there.
Pandora's Aquarium: Rape & Sexual Abuse Survivor Message Board
Lots of love to you, LS. Stay strong.
